I made it👩🏾‍🎓

Failure is not an option

Hope this inspires someone.

Failure is not an option

There is never a time when i'm not stressed, to me there is always something to worry about. Whether i'm at home, at school, or at work my mind's always racing. The thought of failing is something that always crosses my mind. Always. "Camille are you going to college?" My answer is always that I want to but I can't help but wonder if i"ll even make it. I'm about to enter my junior year and I don't have a clue where I want to attend.
I have always looked to other people for validation. In 2nd grade I strived to be on green because I thought it would make my father proud. I use to read non stop, My reading level was one of the highest in my class. I remember in 5th grade I received all a's for the 1st time. We had an assembly to announce the kids who had made the honor roll. When my dad heard my name his face lit up, he swung me all over the gym. I would give anything to see him that proud of me again.
I started to notice more and more how critical he really was about me after that. He never stopped nitpicking, every little thing. If I got a B he asked why it wasn't an A. I got a job because I wanted to show him I am responsible contrary to his beliefs. I believe his first question was why I chose subway, why did I wanna work in ballantyne. I don't know why I even expected a "good job camille". It's just not the type of guy he is.
It was in second semester of freshman year I started to wonder when he would be satisfied. Pleasing my father had alway been an arduous task, but it seemed harder now than ever. First semester my grades were exceptional, it made no difference. A switch turned off in my head, I figured that clearly fail or pass my father would always have a problem. I started to question why I was trying at all. I lost my motivation, I decided I would give him a reason to be disappointed if that was how it was going to be.
It wasn't until recently, today even, that I realized I can't let my father decide my course of action. It would be I staying behind in school, not he. It is truly time for me to grow up. I've finally learned I have to decide my future for myself. Failure is not an option, ever.