The Man With Broken Dreams ( WATTYS 2019 )

34

Mabilis ang naging biyahe ko pag uwi since its 2am at kokonti lang naman ang mga nasa labas

I entered her room at may nakitang kokonting damit na pang bahay roon, she didn't have her luxurious clothes with her nang iuwi ko siya rito I can see that she wanted to live in peace away from everything that's painful for her.

I opened her drawer then I saw an envelope.

The letter is Enveloped in a sky blue stationery with her calligraphy.

I turned the envelope and it has my name on it.

''Azello Joaquin'' it said.

I sat down for a while and opened it with a heavy heart

Perhaps is this her goodbye?

Dahan dahan koi tong binuksan and it revealed her long thick and neat handwriting

Joaquin,

I'm so sorry I didn't come back so soon.

I'm sorry for not keeping our baby healthy.

But please spare me the hate and violence kasi hindi ko na talaga kaya I'm begging you

Tama na please. I know I'm the one to blame hindi pa ba sapat na nananahimik ako sa isang tabi? Akala mo ikaw lang nawalan?

Damn Joaquin pagod na pagod na ko. Gustong gusto ko na sumuko but I was able to help other children that made me feel a little better na kahit papano I was able to see children smile. I loved you so much and I still do pero hindi kita ginulo pa Joaquin sana sa lahat ng ginagawa mo sakin I made you happy but believe me I always prayed na sana patayin mo na lang ako.

I lost everything Joaquin and maybe that's the price I should pay for losing our child

Please tama na.

Please Joaquin break me all you want hanggang sa magsawa ka at pakawalan mo na ako. Kahit yun na lang ang ibigay mo I promise to stay quiet

All the years I felt hopeless. I ran away from everything because I'm so broken and helpless sana hindi mon a lang ako kinuha.

Sana hindi na pala tayo nagkita ulit.

If it will only be this way then I wish sana hindi ko hiniling sa Diyos na Makita ka muli.

I'm so sick of this akala mo ikaw lang nasasaktan? Paano pa ako? That's my child too.

One day I'll make it up to you and explain everythi-.

Halatang hindi niya pa tapos ang sinusulat inilagay ko ulit iyon sa kanyang damitan at bumaba na bitbit ang iilang damit niya

Damn hindi ko alam kung kakapalan ko ba ang mukha ko o lalayo na lang ako kay addi.

Napaka gago ko. Knowing that I inflected pain on her so much kills me right now

Nagmadali akong mag shower para makabalik ako agad sa ospital

Nagpaalam naman si kuya na siya ang uuwi at aasikaso ng mga trabahong naiwan ko I just nodded. Tulala ako habang nag babantay kay addi

Damn this sleeping beauty if I could just ease the pain by kissing her when shes asleep why not?

I kneeled infront of her while I held her pale cold hand

''please wake up baby.'' I pleaded hindi ko na alam gagawin ko kung pati ikaw mawawala sa akin.

Her siblings wont reply nor reach out to me and it hit me.

She had no one when she was in pain.

Na kahit ako nangako sa kanya na hinding hindi ako aalis but I was the first one who made her feel alone.

I wonder if she wakes up takot ba siya sa akin? Will I be the monster in her own little fairy tale?

Will someone else save her?

Will there be rainbows in her sky again?

Hindi ko na alam kung ano gagawin kong pagpapatawad at pagsusumamo sa Diyos na kahit ngayon lang ibalato niya na sakin to.

I want to make things right. Please give me a sign.

Buong araw akong nagdasal at humingi ng saklolo sa panginoon and maybe he'd hear my wish na kahit ngayon lang please don't take her away from me.

Pero

Makina na lang ang bumubuhay sa kanya.

She gave up when I was ready to fight for her again.

Hindi ko matanggap,

Hindi ko mawari sa aking isip.

Bumitaw na siya.

But I'll never let her get away hanggat may konting pag asa ang makinang bumubuhay sa kanya then call me evil and such pero hinding hindi ako titigil umasa that one day

We'll be together again.

Please bring her back to life.

Please addi please find your way back to me.

Please wake up even if your life line says you wouldn't.

Because I will never ever let you go again please.

''patay na siya. Nagsasayang ka lang ng pera.''

And it hit me.

She's gone.

The woman without inhibitions

My love is gone forever.

But I promise my faith will never be shaken..