"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take."
Do you ever go to bed at night and pray you never wake in the morning? I do. Every night before I fall asleep I pray that I won't wake up. I pray that I fade silently into the night never to see another morning. Yet every morning I awaken and dread the day to come. Everyday it seems I'm given another piece of manure to add to my already overflowing wagon of shit. When I wake in the morning the only thing that gets me out of bed is knowing that as soon as work is done I can go back to sleep. How did this happen to me? When did the darkness become so dense that not even a spec of light can pierce the veil. Hope is now but a shadow in the darkest of nights.
I'm so tired of this struggle called life. I've fought for decades. I've used the medicines, I've spoken to the therapists yet here I am in the lowest pit of hell once again. How do I keep finding this place? Perhaps it keeps finding me. Last night I went to bed at 5 PM. I drug myself with Benadryl every night so that I can sleep for 12 or more hours. The worst part of my day is seeing the light of the sunrise. Another day of misery. Another day of pain. Another addition to my so heavy wagon.
I wear my mask of happiness anytime I have to be "social". Wearing that mask is exhausting to me. Avoiding all human contact would be the greatest gift of all. I think about what ails me and somehow it always ties back to humans. I do not hate anyone, on the contrary, I want to love and respect everyone. Sadly this is a one-way street and I'm on the wrong side of the road. So I suffer in silence with my happy mask sewn to my face.
Meanwhile my stomach churns, my mind races and my head feels like it's going to explode. Even those closest to me can't understand. I try to explain but it's like teaching algebra to an ant. Only those of us who have touched the face of the devil can understand the pain we suffer. We must walk through the valley of darkness alone.
I never thought I would hit this bottom again. Yet here I am. I'm so tired of my life... so very, very tired.
