We're just a box of souvenirs.
"Do you regret it?"
I jumped in fright. "Holy shit! Kim? Why did you sneak up on me?!"
She stood beside me and also leaned on my car. "Alam ko kung ano yan, Ye." Pagpuna niya sa isang small wooden box na hawak ko. I got it from my car. It's where I keep it kasi.
"It's just a box, Kimy." I reasoned but she shook his head and took the box from me. She opened it and took out what it contained. A keychain of a volleyball, a necklace with a jade pendant, and a watch.
"Don't you miss wearing this?" She held up the gray G-shock watch. "Not really. I have a new one." Matigas kong sabi. Napatawa na lang siya na may halong pagiging pilosopo. "Kailan ka kaya titigil sa pagdeny? At tsaka, magkaiba ang G-shock sa Rolex, just saying."
"Stop this nonsense na." I don't know what else to say. I have ignored this kind of conversation and I have ignored this topic for so long that I don't know how to respond nor react anymore.
"I know you saw them leave. I watched you watch them leave. Just like how you just watched her let you go." We looked at each other. She's smiling knowingly yet sadly while I stayed as emotionless as possibe.
"Not like it would change anything."
"It will, Mika, it will."
"You're both my friends and you both helped me so so much and I owe everything to you guys." She paused and sighed. "You're both my friends and I know you're both ruining yourselves." She's getting teary-eyed and I'm feeling guiltier and guiltier. Kim is not the type to show emotions kasi. She usually keeps them bottled up inside; she's always quiet. "You guys already graduated and I know you're planning not to join PSL anymore because Ara will be there and I also know you're planning to work in America."
"Please. I need the both of you." Sabi niya, kaya napahilamos na lang ako sa mukha habang pinipigilan ang mga luha.
"She can easily break it off with Bang and then be with Thomas while you're going to be left alone. Gusto mo ba talagang mangyari yun, Ye?" She tried convincing me but my decision is already clear and final and nothing's going to change it anymore.
maybe I pulled the panic cord; maybe I'm the one to blame
"Remember when she gave you this?" She continued talking and held up the necklace with a jade stone as a pendant.
Oh, I do, all right. I remember it all too well.
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"Ye?" Napalingon ako sa pinto ng kusina ng dorm namin. Nakita ko si Ara na nakakunot ang noo at halatang may iniisip ngayon na gumugulo sa kaniya. Halata rin ang pagkapagod niya.
Napansin kong napatingin siya sa hawak ko. Isang box ng doughnuts. I was supposed to put it inside the refridgerator but she went in the kitchen so obviously, I had to acknowledge her.
"Uh, I saw Kiefer go out of here. W-was he really here?" Pautal-utal niyang sabi. She pursed her lips right after she said those words.
"Yea. Actually, galing yung food sa kaniya." I said casually while letting my eyes stay on anywhere but her. When she stayed silent for a few minutes, I decided to go out of the kitchen already. I can feel the tension growing and I don't think I would have the guts to endure this once the explosion comes.
"Yun na lang yun? Di ka man lang magpapaliwanag?" Sabi niya bago pa man ako makalabas. Eto na nga ba sinasabi ko.
I faced her before saying, "He asked if he could court me." Nagmamatigasan pa rin kami. Walang nagpapakita ng kahit anong emotion. At least, in my opinion. "Oh ano sabi mo?" "Sabi ko 'Oo, bahala ka'."
Another silence. Nakayuko lang ako. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya nakatingin pero malakas ang kutob ko na nakatitig lang siya sa akin. "Nanggagago ka ba talaga?" I got surprised when she let out those words. She's usually calm about everything kasi and I know she barely says foul words.
I looked up to her. Mali pala ako. Nagniningning ang mga mata niya kaso nga lang, hindi dahil sa saya. Ito ay dahil sa mga luhang sinusubukan niyang pigilan. "For fuck's sake, Mika! You didn't talk to me for one week tapos eto malalaman ko?!"
Hindi naman ako sobrang manhid para hindi pa rin umimik. Mali. Mali ulit. Ganto na nga ako kamanhid. Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. Tinitigan ko lang siya. "Puta! Staring contest ba 'to?!"
I would have cried if I didn't dry out all my tears these past few days. It's not like I can get them all back from my pillow diba?
"Okay. Fine. Kung wala kang sasabihin, sasabihin ko na lang sayo na dapat talaga yayayain kita lumabas ngayon. Dapat tatanungin kita kung pwede ako manligaw. Dapat din magpapasama ako sa parents mo. Dapat masaya ako ngayon." Napahawak siya sa noo niya na parang tinatago yung mga luhang nakawala na.
Pinunasan niya na lang ang mukha niya at may kinuha sa mga bulsa niya. Isang kwintas. "Here, dapat din pala bibigay ko 'to sayo sa dinner kaso wala nga palang dinner na magaganap." Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at nilagay yung kwintas doon.
"Simula ngayon, wala na. Tapos na talaga ako sa kahibangan ko sayo. Sana lang alam mo na minahal kita. Kahit nakita ko yung mga texts niyo ni Ravena, minahal kita. Eh ngayon nga, nakita ko siya dito, mahal pa rin kita. Nakakagago lang 'no?"
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.
.
"You do know that no one knows why you did that to Ara, right?" Tanong niya ulit. I kept my ground and still didn't reply nor react.
"Alam naming lahat na hindi mo siya pinaasa for like what 2-3 years? We know you have your reasons kung bakit basta ka na lang tumaliwas sa could-have-been relationship niyo." She stopped, as if for dramatic purpose. "And that's what we all want to know."
"Some things are better left unsaid, that's what most people say." My only counter.
"No, Mika, that's what cowards say." She shook her head at me.
"Life as we know it ended na, Ate Kim. We won't be dorm mates anymore and we won't be teammates anymore. Sure ka bang mahalaga talaga 'to?" I looked at her intently although she still looks confused and enraged. "People have been glorifying the idea of this 'perfectly romantic relationships' when there's a higher law in love." She looked enlightened for a moment so when she didn't answer, I continued.
"You don't need all this modernized bullshit to prove your love to someone. We're in the right age to act rational and not some love-bug-bitten teenager."
"Tangina, Ye. Walang may oras para sa tanginang philosophy mo. You're deviating na! Ang sinasabi ko lang Ara needs to know that you love her. Hindi ko sinabing magkaron kayo ng relationship. People don't hear the words 'I love you' often too seriously kaya nga pain easily blinds people." She looked hopeless for a while which paradoxically gave me hope that this conversation will soon be stopped.
"Maybe I'm scared, maybe I found out something that pulled my panic cord, maybe I'm a coward but one thing is for sure, all hell will break loose pag nalaman ni Ara na mahal ko siya." I finished with authority.
"Oh and you can keep that box." I added before standing up and walking back to the party.
Not even five steps away from the parking lot but I've already heard a voice that made my whole body stop its function and took the color off my face.
"Mika." I carefully and slowly looked back and surprise! surprise! Ara and Thomas just got back from their 'romantic escapade'.
