A Philinda Oneshot : Co-written with @itslemoi

Phone calls from drunk May to Clint Barton

This first part is all itslemoi !

"Hiiiiiiiiiii Clint. Yeah. Hi. I just thought I should check in. Philly is still alive. Sorry that I wanted to kill you 'n Nat cause y'all didn't take care o' him- yeah. Just wanted to tell ya. They revived him in a bad way, Clint. Very bad. I can't tell ya- but- I'm sorry for doin' that to him. Philly deserves better. He wanted to die- sorry. I'll just hang up now."

-

"Clint- Philly wants to start a team. I mean he wants to go on missions with a team. With me. Like- as a team. With me, and other people. They're just children, ya know. Two scien- scienis- damn- scentist? Nah- I mean- Those that work in a lab. They gonna die. And then there's this special- ist - this specialist - he's so full of himself- oh my god. I don't wannabe on that team- I'm still gun shy- but don't tell Philly. I need to protect him- I don't want to have to fight - but what if he- Fury wants me to protect him- I'm sorry for bothering you-" with that she hung up before Clint could react.

-

"I screwed up, Clint. I slept with that Ward guy. I'm not even sure why, but Philly found out, and now, in addition to all that, Ward guy is Hydra. Why didn't I see it? And Philly n I were fighting pretty pretty bad, I ran away. To my mom, Clint, I went to my mom." She didn't sob, she didn't cry, but Clint heard the desperation in her voice. "I need to make things right with Philly. For real. Is it a bad idea to dig up his grave? Nah, right? Imma do that. I would never betray him. Never." 

-

The next call Clint would have answered if he weren't on the run.

--------- -:x:- ---------

 Here is my (nightsisterkaris)'s addition:

   "Hey, Clint... I'm back.. now so is Andy, and Philly lost his hand... stupid idiot and his star wars obsession. Jemma got eaten by a rock. Skye has freaky powers that she can't control... always shaken' stuff around. I thought her how to shoot a gun and kill people, is that a good idea? I don't care. she's really cute. Philly loves her like a kid..." May rambled.

    "Andy-roo asked me out... I think he wants to get married again, he said he wanted to make us work. Invited me out again." May paused, obviously waiting for his reaction. "I can't just go, but I think I will. Philly dosn't like me anymore. Did ya know we went dancing? Well, I need to go, Somebody's calling."

-

   "Hiya, Clint. I'm with ma dad, William. Remember him? Oh wait, you never meet him, sorry." May giggled. "things didn't work out with Andy-roo."

  Clint took a breath to answer, but May cut him off. 

    "I'm tellin' ya. It's that Ward buster- bast- busterd that hurt ma Dad. The car accident is his fault, I know it."

   "Well, May-" Clint tried to get a word in edgewise.

   "Philly called today." May paused. "Som'in happened with Skye -Daisy- Its Daisy now." May stopped. "Her dad, Cal was really mean... he was a' stalkin' Skye-Daisy."

   "That's scary." Clint had dealt with Drunk May before.

   "Yeah." May seemed to be winding down. "But Philly called. He said he needed me. But thats bullsh- bullcrap? Cowpoop." May struggled. " 'Cause he said he didn't trust me. Bye..."

   "Maybe it's because-" Clint started, but the line went dead.

-

   "Yo, Clint." May was on the phone, and drunk... again.

   "Hello, agent May." Clint smirked.

   "Philly has a girlfriend... but it's not me." May sighed. "It's this little brat- named Rosalind. I ate her. She don't like Daisy."

   "You ate Rosalind?"

   "No, I hate her." May paused. 

   "I'm sorry, Melinda." Clint listened.

   "Yeah.. I wanna kill Rosalind. She wants to kill inhu- inhumans." May said. "It's all really crazy. Especially 'cause I wish Coulson liked me instead."

  "Oh really?" Clint smiled. They had always had something for the other.

   "Yeah... but I gotta go, bye. Sorry for bothering you."

-

   "Hiiiiiii Clint." May giggled.

   "Hello?" Clint frowned. "you okay?"

   "Yeah... guess what? Ward killed Rosalind... But Andy-roo died. Daisy's back though."

   "Good!" Clint smiled. "Well, its good that Daisy is back..." he corrected himself.

   "There's this new guy; Radcliff," May said. "And Fitz is good friends with him, but I don't like him... or Mace either. He separated me and Philly. I don't like being separated from Philly." May sighed. "I still wish he would date me." 

   "Oh?" Clint leaned back.

   "Yeah. But he's still mad 'bout Rosalind." May answered. "I don't know what do to tell him."

   "Maybe talk?" Clint prompted. 

   "You know I'm not good with words... but maybe I'll do that... with Haig! I'll tell him when we drink the Haig!" May's excitement was obvious as the woman cut the line.

-

   It was a year later when Clint got the latest call.

   "Hey Clint, guess what?" May sounded guilty.

   "Oh no." Clint sighed, preparing for the worst.

   "Phil and I got laid."

   "WHAT?" Clint retorted, gagging at the mental image. "Why are you telling me-"

   "Aliens knocked us over... and we were thrown, ya know, laid down on the floor." May said. "And when we got back to the now, Leo and Jem got married last night."

   "Wait, back up." Clint shook his head.

   "We went to the future." May said. "And it was bad. I killed aliens." Clint could hear the smirk. "and now I'm in bed-"

   "What?" Clint wondered how that was relevant.

   "With Phil." May added.

   Clint gulped back the shock, small laughter waiting to come out. 

   "Philly secretly got more Haig, and we threw away the Zima and got drunk on the good stuff. And then we talked, and made out. Now I woke up and I wanted to talk to som'un, but Philly is to tired."

   "Oh God." Clint winced.

   "He stayed up late with me." May said.

   "Talking." Clint prompted.

   "Yeah." May answered. there was no response, but Clint could hear her shifting around. "Goodnight, Clint."

   "Goodnight, May." Clint grinned. Finally they had figured it out.

   "Can't wait to show this to Nat." Clint smirked. "She's gonna die of laughter."