Diary of an Emotional Asshole

Monday, April 8

Wow. So remember when I said I shouldn't write? No me either.....

Very childish of me, honestly. I was super heated and hurt.  I guess I'm still growing.

Lately I've been a little reckless.  I go out a lot and I'm never home.  I don't really feel needed here.  Also I have bad memories at home.  I genuinely appreciate my friends for allowing me to go to their house, and I let them know.

My friends truly mean the world to me.  I feel alive when I'm with them.  I'd like to think that we always have each other's back.  This time I know how to act and I stay true to myself. 

I need to work on not letting myself go.  Sometimes I feel like I lose control and just do whatever I want without thinking of the consequences.  Being out makes me forget about my problems, allowing me to run away from them.  I'm free.

Im talking to a guy.  He makes me happy.  I don't care what happens between us because i want him to be happy.  The only thing is that i drop my life for anyone and I shouldn't do that.  I just can't help wanting to make everyone happy. 

Something that has been bothering me is how there are other people who need help but can't get it.  I know how hard it can be to talk about problems.  People just aren't as open anymore and it's due to the cold hearted people out there.  If someone is sad, help.  If they don't want to talk about it, make them happy.  I'm realizing that no one, including the people I don't like, deserves any bad will.  Then again I exclude trump and his supporters.  I feel like if I wish anything bad on people who don't even care for me, I'm only hurting myself.  I'm hoping that if I continue to throw love into the world, it'll return to me.  So far I feel good.  I enjoy complimenting people or simply making them smile or laugh.  Before I would stay quiet so this also helps me speak more.  If I think anything bad about a person I try to find at least one good thing about them.  It's difficult but I know that I'll be thankful as I continue to grow into the kind person I should be.  I honestly just used stupid excuses when it came to hurting others feelings.

Im keeping my family out of my growth for now.  I feel the most pain from them so I think I'll keep my space.  I just need to worry about my grades and mental health.  I've been trying to lose more weight because I haven't felt good about myself.  Im not in a good place when it comes to myself and my image.  So this means that i starve myself, make myself throw up, or self harm.  I'm not glorifying this at all.  I just feel like I need to say this so it could be a slap in the face.  I don't know where this insecurity comes from and it scares me.  I worry about having to tell others.  What would they think?  I think that thought helps me stop.  Only because I'm surrounded by good people who I don't want to disappoint. 

I only hope for the best.  I'm changing things in my life and it's all for the better.  I'm finally growing and learning.  I feel like I have a meaning.  This wasn't easy and it won't be for a while.  I need to go through this with many tears and heartache but I know that I'm not alone.  I wish things could get better for everyone who has felt like me.  It makes me sad that i can't explain how I suddenly became happier.  I made friends with caring people but I know it's not always easy for people to talk to others.  I remember how frustrating it was when I was making new friends.  I just started hanging out with them one day at lunch and that's how it started.  Best decision I've made.  Now I get to be with them everyday. 

Basically I'm putting it out there that the only person who can change your life for the better is yourself.  It's super difficult but it's so worth it.  I haven't had suicidal thoughts in weeks.  That makes me feel better knowing that I truly am happy.  I never thought I could stay happy, it just didn't seem possible.