let me start by saying these four simple words that carry much weight within them ; I want to die. I know what you're thinking. "madison, you're only sixteen. so much life ahead of you". I'm aware I have the option to keep going, to strive to succeed. but what do I do when I don't want to carry on? what do I do when I already feel dead inside? I know, cliche and dramatic. but really, I've never felt more empty in my entire life. I have never felt more alone, betrayed, and lost. I have never in my eight years of being diagnosed with bipolar depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder, felt so low.
about last night... it was the worst one I'd had in 2 years. I'd forgot how it had felt, to be completely shattered, broken. let me say, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. though I have felt utterly stranded for so, so long, last night it had gotten worse. I lost something, someone I had grown fond of for the past ten months prior. my first love, the guy I'll always love. I can't help but ponder on all of the memories we made. I can't keep myself from thinking about only the good times, the times where laughs and smiles were shared. but my oh my, were there some bad times.
why do ones not consider their losses? sure, it may be unhealthy to stew on them, but undoubtedly they need to be addressed. I may not be a perfect example of someone who does this, because I take things to heart, and blame myself for others walking out of my life. I take blame for things that even go wrong in other people's lives. but I address what I have lost. I realize the situation, I try to make things right. but he doesn't want to. perhaps I love too much and too hard. maybe I shouldn't lay awake at night, wondering who you're thinking about, how your day had went, what's on your mind. I cant help but think about every time I was intertwined in your arms, how you'd tuck pieces of hair behind my ear, or kiss my forehead when you thought I was asleep.
please, do not let these sweet memories deceive you as they did me. he wasn't good for me, and he isn't good for anyone. to be with someone who is extremely narcissistic and hypocritical, tears you and wears you down until you cant take anymore. they manipulate you into believing you need them, into believing everything is your fault. you end up losing yourself within them, trying to fix things that don't need fixing. you see, he made you believe that you needed to be some way, something and someone different. you don't need someone who is going to try to change you. love someone who is going to love you for all your differences, good and bad. love someone who is going to help you rather than bring you down and critique every thing you do or say. but most importantly, love yourself. I know it's hard. sometimes seemingly impossible. because, I, myself, hate me and I am not content on who I am. I don't think I ever will be.
brainwashed, I am. into thinking I need someone who gradually deteriorated my mental health completely. brainwashed, I am into believing him when he has deceived me over and over again. though I indeed learned many things through the relationship I had with him, I think the most important is to realize that promises, to be forever, are not forever. never will I ever jump into love so quickly, and I will always remember to never, ever put my happiness into someone else's hands. I will never rely on someone so profoundly, because in the end, nothing can keep you going but yourself. for some, at least.
but what is it to do when you physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot keep going? what do you do when you try to grasp onto every aspect of life but everything seems to slip through your fingers?
I am not going to take my own life, not right now. I feel that taking a life, even if it is your own, should be strongly considered and have much thought put behind such a drastic decision. I cannot think on the simplest things at the moment, yet alone think of the the thing that could end my life. though I have tried to indefinitely rest without much thought and failed before, I wouldn't do it again, or wish the pain my mother had endured upon her, or anyone. no doubt I am grateful to have both of my parents in the picture, loving and supporting me unconditionally. if I do decide to leave this earth, I hope they can find forgiveness in their hearts. as well as god. I hope god can forgive me. undoubtedly, he will, considering he is a loving and forgiving god.
my life is honestly a roller coaster. with its ups and downs all over the place, when will the madness end?
I feel as if my depression is like a vast ocean. here I lay, in the middle, stranded, all alone. I float abroad the waves, emotionless and still, as if I were numb. waves constantly crashing over my head, with little breaths in between. until, times like these come, and the waves devour my body and suffocate me, until it seems as if it will never end. the ocean swallows me whole. I gasp for air, inhaling the issue until it consumes me entirely. but once again, I'm stranded alone. no where to run to, no one to run to. I'm utterly helpless.
with little but not all of my emotions spilled upon this page, for all to see, I want to say that I am done. I am done searching for a glimpse of happiness within myself, one that I have struggled to find the past eight, long years. I am done trying to please others with the deceiving image of a happy teenager, because I simply am not one. I am going to be me, for the sake of my parents, I hope "me" can be longer than I want it to be.
if you read until now, please consider my words carefully. I am not wise in cases of mental health, and I barely know how to get through a single day. but I am pushing forward, and I advise you to do the same.
I have spared many details, that I may go into in the future. for now, this is it. goodbye.
- madison johnson
