A smile. It's such a simple gesture and yet it can mean so much. Smiles can be soft, loving or comforting; they can be joyous, radiant or dazzling; they can be cold, malicious or cruel; and they can be sad, miserable or despairing. A smile can show so much, and yet it can hide just the same amount. You can be broken beyond repair, but faking a smile can convince too many people that you're fine, even when you're obviously not. This is because people will easily see what they want to, even if it's not true. Maybe, deep down they know you're not ok, but they want you to be without putting in any effort themselves.
So when they see a smile from you, they believe that you're better because that's what they want to see.
When you feel you are barely able to raise your eyes to meet another person's, let alone lift your head, a fake smile to your hands can convince them you're getting better and that they don't need to be there with you; the place they need to be most. The place you need them to be the most.
But the worst smiles are the sad ones. The ones that shatter hearts into thousands of pieces for any of the too many reasons to choose from. These smiles can tell you so much, too much some might say. When people are insistent that they're fine, a simple thing as small as a smile can scream out to you whether it's the truth or not.
Too often I have lied to people, saying I'm fine, even getting irritated by their constant asking. Too often I have promised I am fine when I know I'm not in the slightest. Too often I have simply clamped my mouth shut and refused to answer such oblivious questions. But why? Why do I do it? Truth be told, I'm not sure myself, I ask myself the same question so often it's worrying, scary. I couldn't tell you why, especially since I know that when certain people ask those simple words of 'are you ok?' they mean it. Those words in that order may be spoken so many times by so many and be nothing other than words strung together in a sentence, but some people say it differently. They say it in exactly the same way but it means more, they hold more power; they mean what they ask. They're not just saying words that they feel obligated to, they see that you don't look too good and they actually worry. It's not fake, not something questionable like a mask poorly done. It's real. And too often I have to remind myself of that, convince myself. Because why would anyone care for me? No-one ever has done so before, it's strange to think that people might start now.
