October 8, 2018
Happy Birthday !! At least I guess that should start a normal felicitation letter ... but I think this will be a little different.
I feel like an astronaut in the universe trying to look for a simple star when I try to find the right words to put on this stupid sheet. "I cannot do it anymore, I give up, I give too much, I'm broken, I feel used, I'm afraid to feel alive" are things that I would say, are things that have not been very mature on my part. Actions, things that I do without measuring the consequences, things that have no remedy, redemption or turning back. Feelings, feelings that I have that I will never regret to feel them, although I sometimes admit that I cursed the day when our lives crossed. And maybe you do not give a shit what I'm saying, maybe it's going to be the most absurd thing you're going to read in your life, or maybe not. I think you know the meaning of loving someone, I imagine that you have loved someone, that you have desired someone so much that you feel it is yours and in the end you notice that it never was.
And yes, maybe I'm wrong to love you, I would be wrong a thousand times, even if it means that I have to see you in the hands of another one a thousand times. I do not blame you for anything, as every person sometimes does things that hurt, it's normal, but despite that, maybe you made me feel nothing, even though you caused tears to come out of my eyes more than once, Even though sometimes you behaved like an executioner, you are the best person I know. Sound crazy right? But it is like this. Maybe you've asked yourself, why the hell do you want me? The answer is simple, because I do not care, because you can make the most stupid mistake in the world and still stay here, because I do not only love you, I love your faults, your mental imbalances, your strong mood swings, your uncontrollable nature , your ego, your outbursts of anger, your sarcasm.
It would be a pleasure to have you in my life despite the mistakes, but I am afraid that this decision is not mine, it is yours.
I'm starting to live, I know I'll meet more people, maybe better than you, maybe worse than you, but never equal to you. And although I do not deny that I would die to spend my days with you, I admit that I have learned that we will not always achieve what we most desire, even if we desire it with all our soul.
These years that I have been keeping what I felt taught me a million things that until now I had not realized, because I was with a band in my face that prevented me from seeing further, I behaved like an immature person and I drowned in the denial. "I cannot bear that you are not mine" I think it is the most immature and also the stupidest prayer that has come out of my mouth, I finally realized that we have to accept reality as it is if we cannot change it, we should not force, just let everything flow.
You have caused injuries but I do not care, because what I learned is greater than the damage I received, and if that pain of not having you was the cost of everything I learned from you, believe me, it was worth it. I learned to wait, to trust, to have hope, to love myself, to believe, to give the best of myself even though I did not receive anything in return, not to hurt simply because others hurt me, you taught me that people are inconstant and to cling to them is a mistake, I learned from you that I have the ability to search in the depths of someone's being and find gold, although on the outside you only saw coal, YOU TAUGHT ME TO LOVE . And I will always thank you.
You taught me a very valuable lesson, not in the best way, but still loving you was the best experience of my life. Knowing you was a shot to the heart. You will always be tattooed in my hippocampus. All the bleach in the world can not erase you from me, because you left marks, that I will never forget. And that is why, however hard I try, I can never say goodbye, because I could not say goodbye to something that lives inside me.
And what I love most is to see you happy, even if you're not with me, that's true love. Although inside I know that I would be able to make you the happiest person in the world by my side.
The kisses, the caresses, the moments of infinite pleasure, the stories, the spark plugs in fields of roses, the writings, the talks, how much you ever wanted me, all of that will be kept in my soul, where hearts never They broke and where our lips never parted.
I do not want to forget you, I just want to remember you as the best thing that happened in my life.
I hope you find someone who deserves you, who understands you, who supports you, who knows how to arm yourself when you destroy yourself, who loves you, who loves you more than I do, although I admit, nobody, NO ONE, is going to love you more than I did, because I love you to the bone, because I love even in the way you made me cry, I love everything about you, and I do not regret it. Thanks for being the best teacher. It's not a lie, I'm not pretending, I just understood.
In spite of what you decide I will follow you loving, and I will continue here.
From: A small light within the whole.
To: The whole
