Enigma

Conflicted Thoughts

It was my late twenties, I lay fumbled in my quilt, in my dark, cold and a three bunker bed hostel's room no.2. My roomies had already been to their respective work and institutes. I lived with five other girls in the magnificent campus named Maryland high located in the heart of the city, Annapolis. I was accorded by post graduation degree two months ago, and had already started my clinical practice. Life was in a different space and time then it usually had been. I lay there in my quilt tearing down thoughts that wanted to come out loud. My roomies used to feel low see my cry and this was how I coped up. It was the month of November and the cold creeping through the French windows of our room. I had the lower bunker bed near the door... that was the best place I have ever been too. The bunker has seen a lot of smiles, cries and made memories all this time, and it so did at that moment as it soaked my tears in it. I did not want to come out of that comfy place when my phone rang. It was a notification from my workplace of the patients I had to see today. I had half an hour to get up and a be a good physiotherapist despite all the rush of emotions inside me. I did a part time shift at the clinic followed by tutoring few kids which included grabbing a quick coffee in between the transition of work. My evenings, I usually spent walking down lanes of the city with music plugged in, sitting and writing in the cold place of Starbucks and when I came back to the room, I had all the jiggles and giggles of my roomies sharing their entire day toil with me. That day we had nothing so great for dinner, and usually after dinner my roomies used to talk to their parents or "special" friends. As for me, I used to grab my hoodie, flip in my flipflops, loud music on and used to sit on a beam on the terrace staring back at the sky. It's not that I didn't have a family or a "special" someone to talk to.. I just wanted to live a life of my choice till I actually got into the frame of settling down with work and otherwise. But coming from a conservative family, I was nagged constantly by the fact of getting married now that my studies were over. Not only this, there had been a war between me and my elder brother as I decided to practice in Annapolis. I had a complicated family thing, that is why in spite of having a home in Annapolis, I preferred to stay in hostel and stay away from the drama. As for the "special" friend, I had a best friend whom I fell for and was currently blaming me to ruin our friendship as I confessed my feelings for him and on the other side there was guy who wanted to give me all the happiness in this world. I was lost in the starry sky, when my phone beeped. I hadn't checked the text messages since evening, so I was scrolling down the list. Two texts made me loose my nerve, "You are super mean on this" and "So what did you think about seeing each other". I didn't wanted to answer either because at that moment all I wanted to do was "breathe" and guess what another message beeped that said "You should have come home, everyone was asking about you" , this one being from my elder brother. I had this strong streak of anger and threw my phone literally. A girl was sitting on the opposite beam, Regina. She picked up my phone and approached me. "Its not going to work out like this, "she said to me. All I could do was look away from her. Regina too was working for a pharmacy, a year elder to me, stayed in the room next to me and someone whom I always looked upon whenever I want to talk to, in the hostel. "You need to distract yourself from all," Regina said. "I know. Planning to go for an outing to the nearby fort...alone", I answered. What came next from Regina, was alarming.

“Listen there is something I have to confess, maybe this is not the right time but I cannot keep it anymore. I have been using your name on a dating site to talk strangers, no picture used, just your short name, Syl. Why don’t you ACTUALLY use it? No need to meet or anything, just casually chat. Maybe you will feel better”.

To this, I just got up and walked past by her without uttering anything with a lot of rage and feeling sorry for myself at the same time. Later that night, Regina texted an apology and mentioning she would still want me try that thing out. She shared the id and password and the name of that app (Cupid Vices). I just read and ignored. I usually was a victim of sleepless nights. Either I spent the night binge watching on my laptop or walking around the room and the corridors outside. But that night was a little more restless, I want to go and shout out at Regina, went to her door as well, but somehow stopped. Going back to my bunker, I downloaded that app. That was all I did for now. Was not sure if that was right or not. With again, yet another conflict, I finally felt asleep that night. I had no idea what came next would be something I will carry in the following years of my life...

An Enigma that would cling on to me for days that felt like years...