Forgiveness

After an exhausting few weeks of work, a.k.a. continue to keep busy so not to think about Shepard, Kaidan was at his breaking point. Luckily, Anderson was perceptive and forced him into taking a night and the following day off.

When he returned to his apartment, he noticed the light on his omni tool was blinking fervently - he had a private message waiting for him at his terminal.

'Great, who now?'

-ENCRYPTED MESSAGE, SENDER UNKNOWN-

That piqued his curiosity...could it be?

Jane Shepard's visage appeared on the holographic display.

"Kaidan,

I'm sorry you had to wait so long for a reply, it took damn near forever to get away from Miranda's gaze and actually find a system with a 'send' button. Part of me also didn't want to deal with the grief, but this needed to be done.

The past two years has changed both of us, I realize that. I don't particularly know myself either, but I do know I owe you an explanation.

I don't know if you'll ever believe what I'm going to tell you, I sure as hell didn't. I never meant to make anyone think I was dead, least of all you. I know Joker told everyone what happened to me, but even he didn't know the full story at the time.

I never made it out of our burning ship above Alchera. It's been two years, but I remember it as if it were only weeks. After I got Joker into the pod, I got knocked away. I tried to grab something…anything, but I couldn't. I hit something or something hit me, I can't remember. My hardsuit depressurized and I-I…the last thing I remember is not being able to breathe. And then the next thing I wake up to is a Cerberus station under attack and people telling me that I had spent the last two years on an operating table being brought back to life. I had only been back for a few weeks when we met on Horizon.

One of the first things I asked the goddamned Illusive Man was where you were all at. Not that it did any good, he wouldn't tell me. I knew he was manipulating me, but how was I supposed to jump back into everyone's lives? Still, I should have contacted you…everyone…as soon as I could. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

Anyways, soon we're hitting the Collectors in their home field. The Omega-4 Relay lands us smack dab in the middle of the galaxy. To say it's a suicide mission is beside the point, but I don't know if I'll be so lucky this time.

I hope I can see you again. Whether I do or not, no matter what's happened between us and over the past 2 years, know that I never meant to turn my back on you. I hope you can forgive me."

Her shape flickered off the screen, the light of her figure no longer illuminating the tears silently running down his face. He took a breath, realizing he had been holding it for almost the entirety of the message.

Leave it to him to be so 'in control' to miss the signs she was sending him on Horizon. He didn't even stop to let her speak.

Who needed forgiveness now? It certainly wasn't her.