Trying Not To Drown

Last To Know

Masons P. O. V

I'm sick of this, sick of feeling lost and alone, sick of trying for people who don't even care about me and I just want out... But if I take my own life isn't that the most selfish thing a person could do? I once thought I had everything good friends, the best mother in the world, an amazing girlfriend but it seemed as if in one second it was taken all away from me... And it's all my fault because it's always my fault.

My names Mason Harbinger I was once a regular kid like you I had dreams, a family... It was a little broken but it was good and now it's worse than ever, I had best friends and was your typical guy but I started to lose my friends the older I got, my taste in music changed I didn't like what my friends liked anymore the world I knew started to grow darker as I fell into the dark wonderful abyss known as metal music.

It all happened so quickly I was fifteen and playing my Xbox 360 as usual Cod black ops being my number one game... Because for as long as I can remember I've wanted to be in the army and this was the closest I could get at the moment, I was just finishing up the game when the band came on and my fucking god they were good I'd never heard anything like it before it was as if for the first time I had opened my eyes and was witnessing the amazing band known as Avenged Sevenfold and then all of a sudden everything changed as soon as they came into my life it felt as if a part of me had been missing and metal was that missing part of my life.

When I started listening to metal I also got depression for the first time and it was like nothing I had ever experienced I completely changed and no one could tell... Slowly everyone started drifting away from me, I thought I had lost my best friend we started hanging out less I moved from my mums to my dads house because she just couldn't handle it anymore, all the fighting and she had to put up with my siblings shit as well and I understood but it hurt because I loved her the most and now I was losing her as well... When you lose a friend it's hard but when you lose a parent it's even harder... I thought now that I wasn't there and I had gotten my brother and my mum to talk to each other again everything would be okay but it just got worse and I had no one to talk to about anything so I just let the music take over and for a little while I felt peace.

Inside I knew I was drifting away further and further, my life was getting darker and I couldn't find the will to live anymore I just didn't want to be here and felt as if no one else wanted me here either, I didn't have a dream anymore I couldn't do anything, all I'd see when I looked in the mirror was a talentless piece of shit that'd never be able to make something of himself I didn't see a reason to why I was here anymore, why was I put here if I was never going to amount to anything? if I was always going to be a nothing? I was never going to make something myself...

Then I found Austin Carlile and he changed my life for the better, I saw everything and read about everything he had been through and it clicked that if he can get through stuff like that if he can live everyday in pain... Then why the fuck am I complaining? I needed to get my shit together and to stop feeling sorry for myself, I kept reading everything Austin had said and listening to of mice and men and I eventually found my purpose, I mean maybe I wasn't perfect nobody is... I hung on every word Austin had said and was determined to make something of myself no matter how hard or how long it'd take.

My mum saw that I was getting better and I told her about Austin Carlile and what he was and had done for me, she was so happy and had so much respect for him and we were going to go meet him at this festival Of mice and men were playing at and even though she hated screaming in music she just wanted to thank him she was going for me because she cared... We didn't buy stuff online and couldn't, I found out that we could only get tickets online and I was devastated because I was losing my chance for me and my mum to meet him and a couple weeks after the festival had happened I started talking to new people finding new friends who I related to and this one chick I started talking to told me that I could've gotten the tickets at the venue I couldn't believe it I had missed my chance to meet Austin for no goddamn reason...

Weeks past and I grew closer to these new friends but as my life was getting better it was also getting worse... My mum went into hospital and she was always so strong so I believed she'd be okay because she was a fighter... But even the strongest people have to let go sometimes and I didn't know how bad she was doing til my sister told me she wasn't going to be okay and I didn't understand why it took this long for someone to tell me... The next day on Christmas morning my father got a call from the hospital my mum was at, they had called him to tell us that she was gone... Just like that she was gone and I broke down, if there was a fucking god why'd he take her from me? I became more depressed than I had ever been and my old friends started being there for me again they came to her funeral with me and I just pretended to be okay when really inside I was dying and I couldn't take living anymore... Then I remembered what Austin had been through he lost his mother at a young age as well and he got through it and if he could be as strong as he was today then so could I... I needed to be strong for my mum.

Thank you to whoever reads this and I'm truly sorry if any words are misspelled if you have any feedback I'd be happy to hear it