When I was five I wanted to be a fairy princess.
When I was seven I wanted to be the king because he had all the power of the castle.
When I was nine I wanted to ruler of the world, a nice Hitler.
When I was ten I wanted to be the president of America.
When I was 11 I wanted to become the prime minister.
And this was how I started secondary school, on my first day of St.Helena when my form tutor asked me what I wanted to be when I was older I said the prime minister and when she asked me what i was going to do that year to achieve my dream I said I would become popular.
So I started to hang out with the 'right' people and wear the 'right' clothes and listen to the 'right' music and I'm sure I possibly would have become popular if I hadn't gone to primary school with pretty much everyone in year seven.
Primary school wasn't a good experience for me, I was always either in trouble or being bullied.
This meant that my attempts at being popular and starting afresh crumpled and died because my old bully friends didn't seem to realise this and thought it would be fun to continue what they started in year four.
Luckily for me about four months in, at Christmas, I got offered a place at Stanway as that was my first option of secondary school and someone had dropped out.
So I moved school immediately and started at Stanway.
There I found my long lost best friend Lucy who I had been best friends with all through nursery and were meant to be. Together we collected other people who were kicked out of groups or just people nobody else wanted, we played football or rugby at lunch, we listened to music on the field and became inseparable. After a little while a group of boys joined us and we became the misfit group. I started dating one of them and it was all going nicely.
About half way through year nine I broke up with him and started dating another guy who I fell for instantly we went out for a couple of months and soon became the first couple of year 8 to 'makeout' on the field. We would walk around holding hands, cuddle and all the normal couple things you do in school. However we then broke up because of his best friend and having my feelings not relinquish their need for him I persued him and after a couple of weeks we were back to being us.
Unfortunately he had become a teenage boy and wanted more from me sexually. I refused. One lunch time one of his friends said he needed to talk to me so I went to see him, he was in the toilet so I waited outside, one of his friends obviously thought I needed a wee so pushed me in and shut me in a cubicle with him. He was surprised and apologised saying he didnt want anything that way and we walked out. Timing has never been a quality of mine and we exited just as a teacher was walking past and I was sent to isolation. I explained what happened and was sent to classes my head of year telling me to be more careful next time and not to get shut in the boys toilets.
Boys are massive dicks with even bigger pride. When I went back to class everyone stared at me and there was giggling and muttering and death stares, little did I know at that moment that the boys had told everyone that I had indeed sucked off my boyfriend.
That was only the start, the next day wherever I went the older boys clapped and cheered me, which isn't a nice thing by the way, and all the girls called me a tramp or skank or any words they could come up with. The problem was if I tried to deny it I was called a skank and a list and if I ignored them people just assumed it was true but I was too embarrassed to admit it. It was a lose lose situation. I got to the point where I refused to go to school and tried to take my own life, I didnt think there was any other options. When I failed my attempt and my mum found out what was happening at school she stormed in and demanded something was done. Their answer was "im afriad there's nothing we can do there is too many people involved for us to be able to adress it."
So mum removed me and I was to go to St.Benedicts at the start of year nine as they were the only school with an opening.
The summer Inbetween year eight and nine I joined something called gangshow which for people who dont know is a play put on by scouts. I met a guy there who was a couple of years older than me but was very charming. At that point I didnt know one of his friends went to Stanway and knew of my reputation. He asked me out and I agreed we got on really well (I thought) and he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and a lot of other crap I bought.
After a while he was telling me I should be jacking him off and I refused saying I was younger than him and he would have to wait for me to be older. He said that if I didnt he would leave me and thinking what we had was important I did. After about three weeks he wanted more, I told him I couldn't that I had done it once he could wait. He broke up with me. A couple of days later I agreed to meet up with him after he said he wanted closure.
I met him on his paper round and we walked until he pushed me up against a wall in an old abandoned car park and started kissing me, thinking we were getting back together I let him and his hands wander. When it got to much I told him to stop, however he didnt telling me to be quiet and trust him. Before I knew what was happening he had his out and was trying to put it in mine, I pushed him telling him I didnt want it and that I was too young and he hadn't even asked me to be his girlfriend again. He slapped me and told me he hadn't given up the last four months to get nothing from a stupid baby. I shut up and started to cry. The rest I dont like to talk about but when he was done he pushed me away from him and walked away.
When I turned up to gangshow that week he had told all his friends I had 'put out' and was a sltu who meant nothing to him and wasn't even good at anything and couldn't make him feel anything. I left.
When school started I wanted to forget everything, start a new page turn over.
How very unfortunate it was that one of the girls from gangshow also went to St.Bens and by the time second period started everyone knew I was a slut. I tried to take my own life again, but someone out there must want me alive because here I am.
So I gave up, with everything I just took one day at a time I started to agree with people, yes im a slut becuase then they would go away and leave me alone. I smiled instead of crying.
I met a guy who liked me and went out with him hoping he would be different, we wasn't and the day after I gave him what he wanted he dumped me. Lesson learnt. Since year nine I haven't touched a boy intimatly. I hadnt found one I can trust.
But now i think i have except he doesn't know me, and neither do my friends. So i think its time. Don't judge me or pity me. What I've been through has taught me how to survive and told me who i was. Im a better person now than i ever was and its thanks to these people, i love life and i am grateful to everyone. I dont forgive what happened i just except it, i hope you do too.
