The Bad Girl Everyone Hates

Chapter 8 - Fix me

The whole ride going home was filled with silence but even in those silent moment I could feel the heat of papa's fury radiating from his body like the breeze on a windy day. It was subtle yet would never passed by unnoticed. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Papa asked as soon as we enter the house. He roughly undone his tie and threw it on the floor along with his jacket. He kept on walking and I followed his track obediently. He then grab a bottle of his wine and took a sip of it straight from the bottle.

One thing that I know about papa was, he only drink when he was under extreme stress. He was not really a fan of alcohol himself, other than occasional drinks with his clients, he would never drink it alone. He must be stressed out about what happened just now.

"Tell me what the hell is wrong with you? Is the money I gave you were not enough?" He added as he turned to face me. His eyes were now red as the alcohol started to kick  in. The fact that he had a very low alcohol tolerance was one of the reason he didn't drink much.

I stood there with my arms crossed and my back leant against the wall. My face was void of expression. My eyes never met his. I could not look at him without having the urge to kill him because right now he appeared so sickening to me. I could not believe this man in front of me now was the same loving father I once had. 

"What now? Have you lost your voice? Because I distinctly remember how loud your voice was at Peterson's, spitting those dumb words without a care in the world! Do you even know how your foolish act just now will affect me and my company? What if he decides to pull back all of his investment from my company after your little stunt just now? Can you say goodbye to your branded handbags and shoes and start to wear something from Target instead? I bet you can't!" His words brimming with accusation and I was fuming.

"It's always about you! Everything that happen to me always ended up being about you! You never care about me do you? Even the slightest bit? I'm your own daughter, your flesh and blood for fuck sake!" I shouted out of frustration. "Do you think I give a damn about all the money? Do you think the only thing in my mind is money? I would trade everything that I have in this world just to get a bit of your love and affection but you are too blind to see that. Your brain is the one filled with money! You are blinded by money since the day mama died!" 

He took another sip of the wine before he speaks. "Yes I am blinded by money! Because the only thing that would give me happiness right now is money. Do you know how hard it was for me to pull myself together after Elise died? I was thinking of killing myself few times before. You are the reason Elise died and until I die, I would never forget that even if I want to." He took a deep breath before he strode across the room towards me with a bottle of wine on his left hand until he stood immediately in front of me.

"I do care about you." He ran his rough fingers softly along the side of my face and I closed my eyes to indulge the fatherly affection that I never had. "The fact that you're my daughter is not something I can ever erase. But, I'm sorry I can't love you as a daughter because you are the reason the woman I loved the most died."

"It was a fucking accident! Until when are you going to hold that against me?"

"Until I die!" He replied rather quickly and I was defeated. His hand no longer lingers on my face and I already missed the warmth of his hand. Both of our eyes were now teary, both hurt for different reasons. He was hurt to think about the woman he loved the most who was dead while saving his own daughter and I was hurt to realise that papa could never love me anymore after that incident.

All this time I thought he made himself busy because he missed mama and trying to dissolve his feelings through work. The truth was, he hated me. He could not stand the sight of me. He raised me only out of bit of humanity left within him. I was nothing but liability for him.