a modern lolita

chapter one

“This is your fault,” Morgan says as he he reaches behind himself and pulls out a revolver. “We are gone go out in the desert, I’m gone get good and drunk, and then I’m gone decide what to do with you.” He roughly grabs my face “You sure are a pretty little whore when you are scared,” He smiles the most sadistic, charming smile. “You ain’t gonna be so pretty after tonight babydoll” He kisses me and I taste the whiskey and bubblegum on his breath mingling with the cigarettes on mine. He lets go of my face and takes my hand gently leading me to his old beat up truck, I brace myself expecting him to push me towards the door, but he instead opened and held the door for me. I quickly got in and sat down. Morgan closes my door, gets in on the other side, and starts the truck, the commute is quiet as he drives us out into the desert where nobody sees or hears anything at all, it isn’t that they can’t but that they won’t, nobody wants to see what happens in the darkness.

We get to our spot, he shuts off the old truck leaving the space filled with total silence, he looks at me and softly grabs my chin, tilting my head up and he then brushes the hair away from my eyes, “hush now its ok babylove, you are ok”, He must notice that I’m shaking he has never been this calm before when mad. I take a deep breath and try to stop shaking he gets out of the truck and goes to open my door, he lets me out grabbing my hand to help me down, he wraps his arm around me and we walk to the bed of his pick up. He gets in and helps me into the back. We sit there as I lay my head first on his shoulder, I must have fallen asleep for a bit, because I suddenly noticed my head was laying on his lap. He was sitting there just softly humming and brushing my hair back slowly and gently. He notices I am awake and yet he doesn’t stop he starts talking so quietly I almost couldn’t hear him, “It’s our last night together you and I will be together forever and always and we will never be apart, I love you babydoll, you will always be my baby love forever I love you, I love you, I love you, you are mine and only mine and now I will hold you forever” I feel a tear fall upon my face but it isn’t mine. In all the time that I’ve known him he has never cried in front of me. I take a risk of upsetting him and I grab his hand and hold it I wait a short moment to see if i’ve angered him but he is still just murmuring to me.
sound of it scraping the glass hurts my ears. He takes a large drink and recaps it he puts his arm under my legs and picks me up, he takes me over to the edge of “the beach” as we called it, it was really just a sand pit that teens used as a party spot for years now too filled with broken glass and thorns it was no longer used for any parties but now for pain. He sets me down and nods to the sand, I walk over to it shaking with each step. I see a spot that looks somewhat clear of thorns at least and I kneel, feeling the gritty sand and broken glass biting at my knees.

“I’m sorry” I say my voice shaking and quiet. He walks over to me and pushes my shoulders down shifting my weight back and forth. When he feels my silent sobs he stops happy with that, but I know it is nowhere near over, I hear the buckle of his belt and know I’m in for a hard night. I am scared, shaking, waiting for him to hit me. But he still hesitates. Then suddenly I hear him speak.

“You dirty little whore, you really thought I wouldn’t find out, I will always find out,” I feel the thin leather of his belt cut into my back several times each strike hurts more. After three times I fall forward onto my hands I feel so weak and shaky I fear that my arms will give out completely and my face will fall into the thorns and glass. After ten minutes or so he switches ends of his belt,  and begins striking my shoulders and back with the buckle, I let out a small noise with each strike, he only hits with the buckle five times. He then grabs my hair, and pulls me up to my feet, he takes me over to the truck and nods to kneel on the ground in front of him. “ tell me exactly what you did wrong”

“I talked to K and Mason, without you there and didn’t ask permission.”

“Very good, you learned.” He slaps me twice on each cheek. I love you babydoll” he kneels down and wraps his arms around me. Avoiding my shoulders he lifts me and sets me in the bed of the truck. He grabs the whisky, a glass, and a small bottle of honey. He pours the honey first then whiskey it was a rather large glass for whiskey “Drink all of this babylove. You will start to feel better” I sip on the drink stirring it with my finger a few times. Once its gone he adds more whiskey. Only half a glass but still more than I should have had.  “Arms up doll” he takes off my shirt and gently puts one of his over my head he pours a small amount of whiskey on each knee, it stings really bad. I bite down on my knuckle to stop myself from making any noise.

He and I sit with our legs dangling off of the edge of the tailgate. He is holding my hand rubbing small circles over it with his thumb. I look up at him his face barely visible in the now completely dark desert. He looks at me and I quickly lower my eyes. Avoiding his gaze I lean my head on him im in pain and scared yet still so tired. I have never drank so much before and I feel light headed. He gently kisses the top of my head and I feel his weight shift and I can tell he is reaching for something I can’t tell what nor do I care at the moment I am a thousand miles away. Then I hear metal. I look up and I see the gun again. He is now just holding it in his hands and staring at it.