Wondery

Winter: Memories

Walking. Walking always seemed to clear my head. Rain, shine, or snow, I would walk. Whether I would play music or not, really anything would help. Sometimes, just trying, even if it was with little effort, would be enough for me. To just survive one more day.

During my walks, birds would accompany me. I would love to have another human being there, but none of my friends lived by me; they all lived in different states and countries. Sure I mean I have acquaintances, but either we would always have things to do or sometimes...we just are with another group of people.

Another group to pretend with. 

At least one friend has kept me somewhat sane. Lily. We were friend when we were five, and, even after not speaking to each other for almost eight years, we still liked and did almost the exact same things. We listened to the same music, loved the same video games, watched the same YouTubers, and even have our rooms painted the same color (and I checked). Yet, despite all of our similarities, we are two completely different people.

Lily is relatively short, has blond hair and blue eyes, and is really skinny. I'm really tall, have brown hair and hazel eyes, and let's just say I'm not the skinniest girl. Lily is what's called an introverted-extrovert and I'm an extroverted-introvert. We even took personality tests. We tested on opposite ends of the spectrum. We are complete opposites, yet we can't live without each other. Lily helps me stay grounded while I help her explore more and get out of her comfort zone. 

Without each other, we would be completely and utterly destroyed. Lily would be more depressed than ever, and I would be an emotional wreck.

Some days, I imagine what it would be like if she lived here in New York. On second thought, maybe it's best if we live apart, right?

As I continued to walk, more of these old memories resurface in my head. Fights, crushes, old friends, you name it. Suddenly, I my memory lingered on one thought that I hadn't thought about in at least a year. It was a memory of a crush I used to have. I used to like this kid named Jack.

Jack wasn't his real name, but he insisted everyone call him by that. I was probably a nickname or something like that. He was a rather handsome guy. He wasn't necessarily classified as the playboy type, but he told me he had about five exes when I first met him. He was a total jock and partial jerk in school, but around me...he was different. We started to talk more and more because not only did I want him as a friend, but I also liked him too. Eventually, I told him how I felt. We were actually together for a few months, which actually kinda surprised me. But, we went our separate ways after a fight over texting. Our values were different, and we were better off as friends. As of right now, we are still good friends, but my heart still flutters a bit when he looks at me. I wonder why.

It's starting to get colder, and the Christmas trees are being put up in front of shops and in apartments. I prefer to walk in the busier part of the city this time of year so that I can see all the decorations and lights in shop windows. However, every now and then I find myself getting paranoid over seeming nothing. Maybe it's because I'm in the city. Or maybe it's the weight of my failures crashing hard against my chest. Either way, I just wished it never happened again. But, that's just who I am.

As I walk down a smaller part of the city, I pass this old bakery. It always gave me this weird feeling of deja vu. It felt like I had been here before, but no one has gone in since the Great Depression. The bakery was one of the first shops to close. I suddenly stopped and found myself staring at the bakery's moldy windows. They were collecting dust and the glass was now tinted black around the edges. I stepped closer to the window and peered inside. My warm breath began to fog up the glass. It almost looked like ice crystallizing right in front of me. I quickly wiped it away and tired looking inside again. The paint that was half covering the walls was now peeling off the drywall. The once cheery yellow paint was now a suntanned orange. It always amazed me at how things could change so fast. 

One minute you're one person. The next, your life could be totally different.

I felt a small series of vibrations coming from my coat pocket. It was my mom trying to call me. What in the world does she want? I asked myself. I tapped the answer button and held the icy glass to my ear. "Hey mom,".

"Hi!". Annnnnd there she goes again.

"Mom, you know I'm on a walk. I told you to not call me while I'm out,". The last sentence was said through closed teeth. My mom never really listened to anything I said. She just...waltzed through life. Sometimes, I wish I could be as carefree as she was.

"HONEY?! ARE YOU THERE?!" my mom screamed through the phone.

"Sorry! I guess I just got lost in my thoughts," I replied sheepishly.

"Well don't get lost anymore or you won't be able to find your way to the store!" 

"WHAT?!" I screamed. I probably said that a little too loud because the people walking past me suddenly stopped and stared. I gave a weak wave and hid my face under the over-sized hood on my coat.

"Yes. You actually have to be re-spon-sa-ble every now and then,". She pronounced almost every syllable by itself, which made her remark extremely sarcastic. 

"Fine. What do you need?"

My mom gave me a list of all the things she needed and hung up. The corner store wasn't too far from where I was. I just needed to walk a little further. Only a few more minutes of constant anxiety attacks left.

When I arrived, I went back to the produce isle to pick up some apples for mom's apple pie she wanted to make tomorrow. While browsing for some other last minute things, I couldn't help but think about my mom. She's not a bad person, just a clueless one. She sometimes falls into the dumbest traps and scams. Once, she forgot to pick me up from my old high school. That just happened to be the day I didn't have my phone with me. So, I sat there until I decided that I would rather walk two hours to get home than wait on my mom. I still love her though, and I couldn't live without her. My dad...well..he's a diff-

"Miss?". I looked up and saw that I had somehow gotten all the things I wanted, got in line, and unloaded my things all while lost in thought.

Huh, I thought, not bad.

"Sorry. I just uh...I uh...". I had just now looked up at the cashier and had a mini panic attack. He was a boy about my age or maybe even a little older. He had piercing blue eyes and golden brown hair that reflected some of the light from the window. His smile was almost contagious. He had small dimples on either side of his mouth and spoke in a very soft and faint Irish accent.

"The total is $25.24, miss."

"Oh yeah...yeah, right..," I replied suddenly being ripped from some kind of movie.

 I began to shuffle through my pockets to look for some cash, but my pockets turned out empty. This is one of the worst things that can happen to you at a store. I started panicking. Everything became a fast moving blur and my heart rate spiked. I was so worried about looking anxious in front of everyone that I tried to leave the store as quickly as possible. "Sorryidon'thavethemoney,".

"What? I'm sorry could you repeat?" the boy said with some concern in his voice.

"Um...I don't have the money to pay for it," I said in a calmer voice, "I will just lea-"

"No! Take it, please. I'll pay for it," he said with a smile that could warm the sun. I looked up at him then looked at his name tag.

"Thank you, Adrian," I said reading the little card.

Huh, I thought to myself, maybe one cart of groceries can make your day.

As I walked out of the little corner shop with two grocery bags in my arms, I found myself smiling underneath my coat . I quickly wiped it off as I walked towards the crowded streets of Manhattan. I wonder what my mom is going to say when I tell her about this.