You Are My Sunshine

Alexander

All I can hear is the pounding of my feet against the pavement. I can see my house at the end of this street. I know nobody's chasing after me but yet, I run faster still, eager to get as far away from everyone as possible. My breathing is raspy and uneven as I run across my lawn. I reach my front door but don't stop running until I'm inside and upstairs. I reach the door to my room and storm inside slamming it behind me. I stand still for a second not sure of if what do next. Then...I collapse.

I lay there motionless. I breath once just to make sure I'm alive. My room is silent, save the quiet whirring of my ceiling fan. I sit up and my eyes flash to the the desk drawer that holds my escape. Do I want to? Yes. I do. So then what's stopping me? "What's holding you back?" I ask myself out loud. I break my gaze from the desk drawer and look across my room to the small dry-erase sign on my wall, proclaiming '13days!' That should be my inspiration,my motivation to keep going and push through the rough times but today it only makes me want to cry. Only I'm not crying My eyes are dry. I just silently hug my knees while my heart screams to pick up the razor and my brain recites,

"you're worthless!"

"You should be dead already!"

"You were a mistake!"

Each truth echoes in my ears. I try to scream them away. I scream until I'm out of breath and my throat hurts but the voices of my teachers,classmates,and parents just keep ringing. I can no longer take it. I jump off my bed and run to my desk violently open the middle draw and dig around until my fingers brush up against cool metal. My heart begins to pump faster. I have a headache from screaming and all the screaming voices in my head. I eagerly pull my sleeve up exposing my scarred wrist and glide the blade across my skin. The hot stinging pain is really a flush of cool relief. I feel tears slide down my cheeks as blood begins to pool at the opening of the cut. I hesitate, then once more pull the blade across my wrist. My eyes are blurry and I taste salty tears but I do it again. And again. And again. I watch the blood drip down my arm and feel the pain leave with it. I drop the razor and hear it quietly 'clink' against the hardwood floor. The voices in my head subside to dull murmurs and eventually to silence. I find comfort in this eerie silence and I sit still listening and silently crying. After a while like that I sigh heavily, haul myself up and shuffle to the bathroom, I get paper towels and head back to my room. I sit on the edge of my bed and wipe away the blood then hold the paper to my arm, applying pressure to stop the bleeding. As the bleeding slows I get up. I walk back over to the bathroom and throw away the now dirty, red with blood paper towels. I look in the mirror and notice that my eyes are puffy, and even though my tears are mostly dry, my cheeks are shiny and red. My gaze shifts to my arm and I see my sleeve is also wet with blood. I walk to the shower and turn on the the hot water. I begin to strip down and when I take my pants off I see the other scars on my hips but they no longer affect me,they've been there for so long it's hard to think of a day before them. I walk to the shower making no noise,everything I do now is silent. Silent and sad. Only this sad, is a relieved and disappointed kind of sadness. these emotions hang in the air almost suspensefuly,waiting for something to break the morbid silence. I step under the water and stand there for a while. The water pours onto my hair and body enveloping me in heat. I relax and enjoy it for a second but that good feeling only last a short while before the heat begins to sting my fresh cuts. I wince a little but I know this is the consequence of my choice, my weakness. I was pathetic and gave up. The more I think about it the angrier I get with myself. My hatred builds with the pain of the heat.Then all at once when the pain subsides and it is just a numb dull, my anger recedes and I'm again just standing silently. I slowly unclench my fists seeing the little half circle marks I left on my palms. I stand under the water for a good hour before getting out and drying off. My parents aren't home yet which isn't surprising so Ill be home alone tonight. I don't mind. I'd rather them stay away forever. I dress in some pajamas the slip under the covers and slowly drift asleep.