A Place In This Life

Chapter 16

Same yellow table. Same chicken sandwich. Same sandwich artist who usually served us. My mind worked overtime, trying to figure out how to approach a "let's be friends" scenario with Alex. It would have to be done by next Saturday. Or maybe I could stretch it to two weeks. That way I wouldn't appear abrupt.

"Do you want to take a drive up the coast this weekend? To Santa Monica? Venice?" he asked between bites.

"Just a drive?" I asked. Duh.

"Of course we need to drive up there, unless you want to take the bus," he said. I grimaced, thinking of Todd's first visit.

"Really, I thought it would be fun to cruise Venice, see the weird people, buy a tie-dye," he said, finishing his sandwich.

"We could do that," I said, my voice flat and dull.

"That sounded like a no," he replied, a question mark forming over his head. "Are you okay, Nally? You seem somewhere else today. Maybe you should go home."

I was more than not there — I was in Newport. I was also stuck in the day before, with an IV drip in my thoughts.

My drained emotions contributed to the major brain fart I was having about how to handle everything. The words did not come out, and there was no defense or back-up for my story until I allowed my id to speak for me.

"I've been having insomnia."

A look of "oh" spread across Alex's face.

"I have the same problem because I can't stop thinking about you," he said, reaching across the table for my hand. Oh, that did it. My spine raced with warm chills, my sandwich about ready to come up for air.

"Why does that keep you awake?" I said, sounding like a total dork.

He retracted his hand and a look of exasperation came to his face.

"Okay, maybe you're in a mood or something. I'll just ask you what you want to do this weekend some other time," he said, picking up our tray and taking it to the trash.

I followed Alex to the car. He didn't open the door for me, and instead revved the engine and punched the car all the way back to school, with me holding on to the seat for dear life.

For a brief moment, I considered telling him that I was already seeing someone, and that this someone had cancer and I needed to be with him. Would Alex have really understood that? I decided to keep my mouth shut.

"I'll call you later," he said. Just like Cara, he set the car alarm and stormed away from me. Dejá vu.

I didn't dare go back to the locker, just in case we crossed paths. Instead, I carried on until the end of the day, pretending that I'd left my books at home.

I couldn't pretend anything with Cara, though. She was just as pissy on the way home as she had been that morning.

"You're not being fair with Alex, that's what it is. Why don't you just tell him? If I were him, I'd want to know why the girl I like can't see me anymore. Better to do that than play head games."

"You're probably right, but I just can't," I moaned, picking at a hangnail on my thumb. It started to bleed, and I stuck my thumb in my mouth to rip the rest of the hanging flesh away.

"It's hard, sure. But what if it was the opposite, and it was Todd who you didn't want to lead on anymore? Then what would you do?"

"I'd tell him, because he deserves to know," I said, considering Cara's point of view. That didn't mean I would be up-front with Alex about Todd.