Live For Her

"It's not your fault," she says to me while laying her hand on my right shoulder. "It was a freak accident--"

"No, it wasn't," I say in a monotone voice shaking my head. "I was crossing the street--a busy street! I should have noticed when her hand wasn't in mine or how she stopped blabbering about her new teacher! I should have made her walk in front of me or--"

"Christine." My friend, Cassidy, says interrupting me. "She stopped to tie her shoe and she got hit by a drunk driver. That isn't your fault." I shake my head as tears start to blur my vision.

"She's my little sister, Cass. She isn't--she wasn't--"

"I know." Is all she says before enveloping me into a tight hug. I hug her back just as tight; worried if I don't she'll disappear or get into a 'freak accident' too. I can't help but open my closed eyes and focus on the new grave in front of me.

Paisley Grace Lillian, it reads, an encouraging daughter, granddaughter, niece, and sister. Now an angel who watches over us and keeps us safe. I cry harder as I grip onto Cassidy.

She was only seven, I think, she had so much more to live.

The alarm keeps ringing. I want to ignore it. To plead with my mom for just one more day, but it'd already been two months. It was time to move on. I turn it off and got out of bed slowly. I noticed my reflection in the mirror across the room and frowned. The day my sister died was the day my reflection changed forever. There was no beauty in it. Only despair and guilt. My mom greets me as I sit down at the island for breakfast.

"Good morning honey," she says, "are you excited to see all your friends at school?" I take another bite of cereal in reply and continue staring straight ahead. She sighs and leaves before coming back with my backpack. "I'm going to drop you off, so we have to head out." I nod in response before putting my bowl in the sink and grabbing my jacket. Winter was her favorite season, I think, and she's not here to enjoy it.

It's about halfway through the day when I realize I haven't talked to a single person yet. I feel like I should be concerned but over the past few months, I haven't done a lot of talking. Not to my parents, not to therapists, not even to Cassidy. I didn't know what to talk about. No one really knows what to talk about. Besides, it's hard to talk to other people when the only person I really want to talk to is my sister. And I can't.

When I get home my mom asks me the usual, 'how was your day?' question and I respond with the usual, 'good.' I can tell she wants to ask more but I quickly make my way to my room before she can ask. I don't know if I things will ever be normal again. Everyone tells me it isn't my fault, that they're not mad at me, or blame me, but how could they not? It doesn't matter to me that the driver was drunk. It doesn't matter to me that they ran a red light. It matters to me that I was there. It matters to me that I could have prevented it, but didn't.

"Christine," my mom shouts up the stairs, "can you please come down here?" I want to ignore her and pretend I didn't hear but decide to listen. My room was beginning to tell stories I didn't want to remember. She sits me down in the living room before sitting next to me and grabbing my hands.

"What is it?" I ask curiously still however maintaining a level uninterested voice.

"Paisley hated whenever you gave her the silent treatment." She says locking eyes with me. "She would always cry, then throw a tantrum, and then make you something in apology." I swallow hard to keep my feelings down.

"Why are we talking about this?" I say with a slight sense of anger in my tone.

"We're talking about this because right now you're giving her the silent treatment, and she doesn't like it." She squeezes my hands, but the anger inside of me continues to build.

"What the heck are you talking--"

"Any time anyone tried to talk about Paisley you shut them down." She sighs, "Christine how are we supposed to remember her if we can't talk about her?" I feel the tears in my eyes but I hold them in. "It seems like the day Paisley died you died too." I see tears go down my mother's face and suddenly I feel some go down my face too. "I already lost one daughter Christine. Please don't let me lose another."

"I just feel so guilty mom." I say, trying not to sob, "I'm her big sister. I was supposed to protect her from all the monsters and evil things in the world. I failed her." I close my eyes and lean into my mom's embrace.

"You protected her as much as any of us could have. Paisley wouldn't have wanted you to feel guilty. She would not want you to close yourself off." She cups my cheeks, "Christine." I open my eyes to meet hers. "Paisley would want you to live for her. To do the things you two always talked about and to talk about her." She wipes away a few strands of tears. "The way you can protect her now is by keeping her memory alive in the heart of every person we know." I nod before breaking down in sobs and gripping my mom's body.

I'll live out our dreams Pay, I think, then when I see you again I'll tell you all about it.