i'd rather die burning into flames - a snowbaz short story

you used to shine just like the sun

You're gone.
You're fucking gone, Snow.
And I am a fucking mess since then.
You won after all. By leaving. You ended me in the most outrageous and painful way, Snow.
I never doubted you really. You were too strong. But not even that stupid sword of yours sliding through my heart would beat this feeling.

I'd rather die burning into flames. Inhaling that smell of smoke your magic used to have.
I'd rather die. Officially die. Than living this half-dead life without you here.
Fucking bastard. You won. And now I can't look to a pair of stairs without having you haunting my thoughts - as if all of them wasn't already all made of you. And hurts like hell not having you here to push you down them and I swear on Merlin's Simon, I would not hesitate doing it not even a nano second if I had the chance.
But I don't.
Hell would be a fucking playground in compare to this.
You won, you stupid moron.

You're gone and that is worse than death.
You have no fucking idea and I don't know what is like not to be crying anymore because you permanently defeated me when you left me to leave in a world where you no longer exist.

You and your bronze hair.
You and your basic blue eyes.
You and your stupid, stupid moles, all over your face and body. Crowley, I hate them.
I hate you for not being here anymore. I hate you for being that brave protective dumbass charming Prince of everyone's life.
I hate you.
Every. Piece. Of your gently and caring heart and mind that didn't never ever hesitated when it comes to protecting every living soul around you. Keeping us away so you wouldn't hurt us either. I hate you for winning without even realizing or actually desiring.
Fuck, Snow, I hate you so, so much.

No.

I hate me.

Before anyone else could do it. Even before you in the 5th grade. I did first. And now more than ever.
I hate me for being alive.
I hate me for all those years right by your side pretending your presence were meaningless to me when all I ever wanted was to spit on every single stupid mole of you. And then lick it and carefully bite and kiss 'em.
Because I'm disturbed - again, now more than ever. And there's nobody left for you to ask about it. After all you were the one who knew all along how insanely mad my mind is. You just did not know how insanely mad every inch of me was and is about you.
I hate me for being a fucking coward.

You used to shine. Shine and burn. Just like the Sun. And I used to crash right into you. No mattering how flammable I am.

Because you were the one who loses control.

But I lost everything when I lost you, Simon Snow.

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hmkay so simon snow and baz pitch belongs 100% to the awesome rainbow rowell's Carry On (besides to each other) and I'm only here to make you suffer just like I did by imagining this. i know is shity but tbh I'm fine with it cause I've never done anything like it before. I kinda have a plot in my head that bring this to life so idk maybe if there's anyone actually reading this first of all thank you very much and second of all feel free to ask any question if you're interested in what's the scenario here. but basically is a baz letter to simon.

hope you're having a lovely day! x