Me, Myself and I

Will you find Me or Toni

        Different phases in your life are judged by others.As a child you have your Mom and Dad and teacher.Also your friend and the ones who say they are your friends. I grew up with demons racing in my head by age 6.I couldn't tell anyone about them because of fear.

       By age 12 I found out that alcohol made me feel like I was a good person and life of the party.Was this me or Toni guess you will have to find out.

       I tried to hang myself at 14 years of age.i know everyone say WHY? Well pain inside me became so strong that I had no outlet or person to talk to for fear of being judged or feeling shame.Its hard for someone to understand suicide feelings unless you have been there.Im always in a daze in so much pain that I can't go on I'm too far gone.My mind is broken and my heart is swollen with fear and shame.

       As I grew older I was introduced to coke and meth which made me feel Ike o had found myself.But these drugs caused me to do things to get the drug I'm not proud of and will not give details about that. I used to think what's wrong with me am I crazy or just stupid or am I doomed to fail. When I wasn't high I was in a depressed and despaired state of mind.I felt remorse for what I was doing but when I was straight the pain was overwhelming..

  Then I met my husband to be and he helped me stop the drugs and I was in so much love. I went to college worked as a waitress and was happy. 2 years later the miracle happened my daughter  and she was the most amazing little person that I loved more than I thought I could ever love.

       Well that marriage only lasted 4 years.Its bad when you find your husband in bed with your babysitter. I KICKED HIM OUT! Then it was Jessie and me against the world.I went to school by day and worked at night.I knew I had to make a life for me and my child because 100 dollares a month child support wasn't much. I had to do something to better myself.

      I applied to nursing school and I got in I was so proud, I was going to be a nurse and help people a win, win situation.

     I studied hard taking care of 2 small children and being a good wife but I made it and graduated with honours.

      I worked hard in pediatrics, loved working with kids.But then the memories of my childhood covered my heart and mind.I became anxious and struggling with nightmares and flashbacks till I had a nervous breakdown and I attempted suicide.

      Well now my first time in a mental hospital.

        A couple years later I met my next husband . We had a baby boy 1 year after marriage.He was a police officer and I worked all kinds of little jobs making really nothing. I finally told someone besides therapist about my abuse, he was wondering why I had such awful nightmares.He was very compassionate about the abuse.