I saw you again in my dreams.
But I have never seen you in years.
I've never even thought of you before I fell asleep. I don't say your name anymore. I don't know where you are or how you look right now. But why do I keep seeing you in my dreams.
Why are you doing this to me...
Why Bin?
Aren't you the first one who left?
Or is it me who gave up first?
Maybe both.
You left. So I gave up.
Or... I gave up so you finally left.
And that's the end.
But how can we end something that never started?
With all the uncertainties between the two of us, I am sure of one thing Bin, that we were friends. Bestfriends.
We were seatmates in our fourth grade class. You were a transferee student. And I was the quiet one. So how did we become friends, Bin? Do you know how? Because I do not.
The farthest memory I had with you was when I was telling you a story about my favorite anime. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you said you also liked that cartoon. Since then, every breaktime or every time the teacher was not around, we would talk about the previous episodes. We even drew the anime characters at the back of our notebooks. Listed down the powers that the main characters had collected. Then excitedly guessed the adventures that the characters would face on the next episode. Simple childhood joys.
But I just realized it now, you were one of the reasons why I was always excited to go to school. Because it felt so nice to be talking to someone who always listens to me. I don't know if it's my imagination, a dream, or a reality... But I can see in my mind how you shyly smiled at me every time I told you stories. Even the most ordinary stories about our favorite anime, you always faintly smiled to make me feel that yes, you were listening. To have someone like you to listen to me and to look at me, just at me... As if I am the only person in the world that deserves all of your attention, that deserves your beautiful smile… is I guess the best feeling I can never feel again. How I wish I can still see your smile now, how I wish you can smile like that to me again, just to me.
I had few memories of you. And there's one that I treasure the most. It was when I woke up from my afternoon nap, and there you were waiting at our door.
My mom said you were waiting for me to wake up so we can go together to our group practice. So I quickly tied my hair. I didn't even wash my face or comb my hair. It was vague but I can recall running so fast with you until we reached our classmate's house.
I was catching my breath when you suddenly grabbed the handkerchief from my hand. You asked me to turn around. So I did. Then you silently and gently wiped my back that was so wet because of sweat. After wiping, you carefully spread the handkerchief and left it on my back…
But I removed it.
And made you turn around too so I can also wipe your back.
I cannot remember what we talked after that. If I said thank you for picking me up and for wiping my back. I'm sorry Bin for not remembering. I'm sorry for saying thank you just now. It was more than a decade ago, but my heart flutters now thinking about that moment.
After around three years of being close friends, I received a gift from you on a Valentine's Day. On my desk I found a white card with a heart designed with red glitters. When I opened it, I saw this message:
"Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
God must have spent
A little more time on you"
I read it twice. But I still didn't get it.
Then I saw the message under it.
"Just find where these lines come from. Happy Valentine's Day. - Bin"
So it was from you Bin. I looked around the classroom to find you. There you were quietly sitting at the other corner of the room while doodling in your notebook. Not minding our noisy classmates who were busily exchanging cards and flowers. I was about to walk towards you when you suddenly looked back at me… And gave me a smile… Your eyes got smaller, your cheeks popped out, and your little cheekbone dimple got deeper with that closed-lip smile. But before I can smile back at you, you put your head down again and went back to your doodling.
And now, I am full of regrets. I should have come to you that day. To say thank you for the card. To say sorry that I don't have a card for you. To ask you what's the meaning of your message. To ask why you didn't personally give the card to me. Maybe if I talked to you that day, we would not end up as someone worse than enemies, as strangers.
