My Coming Out Story (How a Boy Broke My Heart and My Life)

Chapter One

Hello. This is an anonymous account, but this is my story.

I live in a small town in the corner of nowhere, Montana. My school has only 500 people total, and you know everyone's name. Everybody knows everything  about everyone. Or, they think they do. What they don't know is that I'm gay. 

Sure, there are other gay kids in the school (3 to be exact...well, three that are out anyways) and I can never live a life like they do. They are the bravest people I have ever met, going through constant anxiety as the football team walks by, and they have to scurry away, or try to veer away from the extreme glare of the popular girls. Sure, they have their friends, but they are always treated differently. I'm too scared to be treated differently. 

I knew I was gay at the middle of my freshman year. I had a massive crush on this one guy. I thought he was so cute, and since we were in one of the same classes, we talked often. I had gotten his snap chat (which was a big deal) and we started talking after school.

It wasn't long before we connected, and we became fast friends. Still,my crush never wavered. It wasn't until a couple of months later until he had snap chatted me and say "want to see a picture of my crush?" And unknowingly, I said yes. A minute later, I got the notification that he had snap chatted me. When I opened the snap chat, I couldn't believe what I saw

In the chat was a picture of an instagram screenshot. A cute blonde boy stared back at me. I couldn't believe my eyes. I scrolled my eyes away from the picture there was a message underneath. The message said "So I'm not out yet, but I'm gay."

I almost peed my pants I swear. So obviously I was supportive, talking about how he made such a stride in telling someone (I was the first person he told.) I knew my chance was coming up, so I decided I had nothing to lose, and told him what I felt.

"hey, so I know this could be awkward, but since you did it I am going to do the same. I'm gay too. And the thing is, I kinda have a crush on you. I don't want this to ruin our friendship, but I thought it should be something I know."

After that, I squeezed my eyes shut and shut off my phone. I couldn't bear to see the rejection. A few minutes later, I opened the phone and saw a message:

"Hey, it's okay! And tbh you're kinda cute and I kinda like you too (insert smiley face emoji.)"

Flash Forward One Month (June 2018)

We've been flirting nonchalantly for a few months. Nobody had caught on, and we had made plans to hang out after school let out. I was excited but nervous, and I was so dumbfounded that I had a crush and a guy had a crush on me too.

Now, we get to the fun  part (The story is worth it I promise.)

So for my birthday, he said he wanted to take me out to ice cream. I was so excited to go on my first date! I got into his car, and then I realized I was around all of his friends, which he did not tell me about. I was so surprised to see other people, and I thought that he had told all of them, and I was going to cry. However, he didn't tell them, and I kind of enjoyed the day.

Later that night, after I had gotten home, I received a snap chat from the boy. I opened it right as I got the notification that "_______ is typing..."

When I opened the snap chat, my stomach sunk. The message said "Hey E. I don't really like you anymore. It's not your fault though."

I panicked and replied that it was okay and that I was okay too. After that, I came out to three of my best friends, and tell them what was happening. I was sobbing and they barely knew what do and they tried consoling me, but it wasn't enough. I entered my first stage of heartbreak, and I cried for an hour, listening to sad music, and thinking about what could of been.

Flash Forward to August

THIS BOY IS LEADING ME ON, and my dumb ass didn't realize. He led me on the whole time, and all he would do is talk to me about cute boys and which boys I thought were cute. Secretly, though never spoken, I still thought he liked me, and I still liked him.

One week later, I asked him again. I said "I still like you, and I know you don't. I just can't get over it and I'm wondering why you don't like me."

Three minutes later I got a response that would haunt me to this day.

"You're too young (I was one year younger than him)

You're too short (I'm 5'3'')

You do theatre (Sorry? that's something I like and am really good at.)

You hit me in the hallway (I PLAYFULLY push people in the hallway. It's not a hard push, a legit playful shove.)

And, when I look at you, all I see is a little kid."

Yet again, I cried for hours. The one that hit me the most was that I'm too short. I have always been told I was too short, and I have even been denied roles in musicals because I don't type for older roles. Anyways, what he said really hit me and knocked down my self esteem, and I hated myself. I never thought of self-harming before, but I really wanted to kill myself. I just didn't see the point in living if all I was going to do was be denied love.

So, after that extravaganza, he decided to pretend that it wasn't happening, and just kept talking about cute boys. I was furious and upset. I couldn't take it anymore, and just answered him less and less, yet he still talked about these boys. I decided enough was enough and just stopped talking to him all together.

So that's my story. As I was writing this, I blocked him on snap chat once and for all. Even though I still cry about what he had said to me. But, fuck you David. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I'm done hiding in the shadows. I want to be loved. After all you put me through, I deserve it.

thank you for reading my story :,)

I love you all, and you are all appreciated and loved more than you know. Your life is a gift, and the right person will come along, and you'll be happy.

I love you

-E