A Place In This Life

Chapter 21

The sun was crazy hot, seeping into my room through the curtains I hadn't bothered to close. My room was sweltering from the previous days' heat, leaving me stuck to sweaty sheets. I rolled over to find relief from the hot, and felt a stinging pull at my groin from bathing suit chafe — another thing I hadn't bothered to deal with once I got home from the hospital.

I rolled onto my back and recalled the short dreams I'd had. Hallways lit with fluorescent lights. People walking the halls with tubes going in and out of their shirts. Nobody had hair, or a voice, so nobody could tell me where Todd was. I went from room to room looking for him. All the privacy curtains were drawn across the beds and sewn shut.

I made him go out on a hot day... to the beach. And I tempted him and he did not resist. Now he was in the hospital.

A make-believe Cara replied to my inner voice.

It's probably the chemo — not him. Besides, he probably doesn't take care of himself or eat the right things. It wasn't your fault, so don't feel bad.

The pseudo-Cara had a good point about it being the chemo. The doctor had mentioned neutropenic fever. If that was what Todd had, then that was the reason he had an infection — if that's what he had. Nobody knew when I left, and it sounded like there were a few more tests they needed to run.

I decided to make myself feel better by having a shower. Indeed, the layers of tired coated me from head to toe, and I needed to wash it all away.

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My crotch ached again, but this time it was because I found myself under the menstrual umbrella. I was happy that I wouldn't have the what-if of pregnancy hanging over my head, and gladly washed everything away under the extra-hot water before breakfast.

A bowl of Cheerios filled my empty stomach, which felt like bubble-guts. The smell of the house didn't help things. It was filled with stale cigarette odors and heat. And there was nothing I disliked more than having to wear a tank top and shorts when Christmas was just around the corner.

My dad was out in the garage sawing something, and my mother was at the grocery store with Taylor, buying all the forbidden foods my father, the usual shopper, did not allow into the cart. It was fun to shop with mom, because you knew that at least a few chocolate items would make it into the shopping bag.

I shoveled the Cheerios in, and my stomach began releasing the bubbles and angst that had been there since the day before. But no sooner had I started thinking about whether Cheryl would call me with a Todd update did the bubble-guts return. There was only one way to make them go away again. I grabbed the phone.

"Cheryl? It's Natalie. How is Todd doing?"

"Hi Natalie. He's okay. The fever came down and he doesn't have an infection, so he's going home this afternoon."

"Thank God."

"I know, but he'll have to take it easy until his next treatment. No more big trips, even though he'll probably complain."

Even though my body screamed at me in protest, my heart wanted to do whatever it took to keep Todd safe. "Do you need any help taking him home?"

"We'll be okay... we've been down this road before, but thank you."

"Would it be alright if I called him later, when he's awake?"

"Of course. He'd never turn down a call from you."

Like magic, the bubble-guts disappeared, and I took my empty bowl to the sink, which was filled with dirty dishes that I wasn't about to wash. Intuitively, my body dragged itself back to my room and crashed hard.