Cutting makes you happy. Right? Well have you ever just wondered why somebody cut? Well heres my story...
When i was 8 my dad died right infront of me. I wasnt myself after that. The day of his funeral i decided i was gonna change. I stopped eating, i just stopped living, i didnt eant anyone to talk to me. I was the quiet girl in the back of the classroom. I could care less about friends or family. As far as i was consurned i didnt want anyone. I jsut wanted my dad, everyone else could go die in a hole. Ad to this day i could care less about alot of things, and that is why i am the way i am , i dont like people. I may have friends , but that doesnt help the pain inside. So one day i decided i wander if cutting will help this pain go away. And sure enough it did. It changed evereything. But then i stopped..
It was 8th grade i was 13 years old. I was dating this guy named josh, it was the middle if the year, and i decided we were gonna stay together forever , but then everything changed. He went to a mental hospital, everyone was saying he was cheating on me. So i went back to the old me. I cut again, and again, and again. I cut his name into my wrist but it didnt scar up. He hurt me, everyone was hurting me, i was hurting inside. I didnt want to live anymore. I wanted to die. I didnt deserve to live i didnt deserve a life at all, because i didnt have that one person to make me happy.
My mom found out and now im in anger managment got diagnosed with deppression and odd and anxity . It hurts me everyday to know that that was me. But yet again it still is me.. I look in the mirror everyday and say to myself "this isnt you" but then again it is me. I cant change that. I cant change that my life is the way it is. And everyone just sees the fake smiles and they think im hapoy but deep inside they dont know the real me . Not even my bestfriend knows the real me. And i dont want her to find out because she will hate me, she wont liel the real me. Ive tried to change. But sometimes i still am the quiet girl in the back of the classroom. I dont take my deppression pills because im out. They dont help. But they do help. Because if i did have them i wouldnt be typeing this right now.
I just want to be happy but i cant. No one understands. I dont even fully understand. Im going back the old me , im gonna cry myself to sleep until i get the ome that actually trilly makes me happy. Im gonna cut because i have memories that now wont go away. I just want to be happy but i cant. My body and my mind wont let me be happy. I want to be happy. I want to smile without it being fake. But it is. And i cant do anything about it.. No ine understands how i feel. I need help but the knly person who can help me is me. I am not eating . And i dont wanna eat. Im not hungry... Thanks for reading bout my fucked up life... :( ill try to get help.. Maybe
