Wanderer

45 - Casual

"You have indeed changed, Alaytar."

I woke up to a morning grey with rain. In Lindon, the streets would have been empty with the first fat drops; elves hate wet clothing. These Haven Elves, however, seem to look at rain as an excuse to enjoy the outdoors.

I certainly don't look at it that way. Currently, I'm seated at the table in the kitchen with Kassandra, watching the elves go by in the morning rainfall. Kassandra's doing breakfast dishes with her long hair piled atop her head. She won't let me help.

I reach for a pile of clean cutlery across the table and absently weave some butter knives together, thinking about Kassandra's latest comment.

"How so, gorgeous?"

She lifts her hands from the basin, soapy water streaming from her arms, and wipes them on a towel. Then she joins me. 

Instead of answering me, she smiles at me and asks, "Do you remember when we were first married?"

I smile back. "Yes. The little apartment flat in Lindon. I remember that."

"You used to sit with me after breakfast and play for me. Remember?"

"I remember." I'm grinning at her. "You put me up to it because you didn't want me to leave for work."

"Even though it was just downstairs!" Kassandra giggles at the memory.

I'm laughing at the fond memory. "You were some jealous, my beautiful wife."

"Still am," she amends. "Remember the markets? You loved to go and just sit and watch the people go by."

Those are good memories. Why didn't I remember them when I was living alone in Lindon? Why could I only think of my pain?

"How have I changed since then?" I inquire.

"You just..seem different. Like with Khelek. I thought you would be so angry that I robbed you of him. I thought you'd blame me."

I don't really know what to say. 

Kassandra meets my eyes across the table. "Alaytar, I need to tell you something."

"What, love?" I can't imagine. "Another one I don't know about?"

"No. Alaytar, I don't need you anymore."

What??

There's a long silence. The rain falls harder on the window. I rip my gaze back to Kassandra's anxious, earnest face.

"I was in love with being in love. I loved the way you made me feel. You consumed me, and  not in a good way. I became so addicted to you that seeing you with anyone else or not having you to myself killed me. But I didn't have a backbone. When Jade was born, it almost killed me. And then when I realized I was pregant with Khelek, I realized I had gone too far. I could never be the mother Jade and Khelek needed because I was all about you. So I broke off the relationship and came here. Missing you all the way."

I wasn't enough for her. It was all my fault she left. My nightmares have come true. I let her down.

"Alaytar, I still love you. But I don't need you."

Then it makes sense. Perfect sense. And I love her all the more for it.

She's crying. I lurch across the table to hug her. 

"If I hadn't left...I would have still learned...and now I've hurt you and Jade...."

"No, no, no." I come around the table and sweep her off her feet. "You're stronger than I am."

Kassandra doesn't reply to that, curls her fingers into fists against my chest. I love having her close. Valar, I've missed this.

"Alaytar? Tell me about Jade."

"She's so much like you...she's so strong and she's so beautiful and I can't keep up with all the suitors. She's going to be married before the summer's spent."

Slowly, as I speak, Kassandra stops crying. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive. Stay here. Stay with me."

"I swear before Eru I will."

"Then it's all right." I tip her head back, smile at her. "It's all OK."

"Where's Jade now?"

We sit by the window, Kassandra in my lap. "Did I tell you Erenion accepted her into the Elite?"

A blank stare from Kassandra. "Erenion?"

"The king of Lindon. Oh, he was before your time, right. You knew him as Gil-galad."

"Oh, yes. He's king now? He must still be very young."

"Eighteen or nineteen, I think. Anyways, he's probably going to promote her when the war's over."

"War?" Kassandra covers her mouth in horror. "War? Alaytar, why in Eru's name did you leave her? Is she fighting?"

"That's for Erenion to deicide." I wasn't going to tell her about Valthalion and Earendil. Too late now. "That's why I'm here. Earendil's going to Manwe for help. He's going on to the Isle of the Valar."

"Is it really all that bad?" Kassandra looks horrified. "Manwe's coming? What have we done, Alaytar? They'll need you at home."

"You are my home." My voice is husky. "I gave that all up. I choose you."

"I just can't believe you left Jade."

I whisper into her ear. "I didn't leave Jade. She left me.  I had a spot for her on the Vingilote - Earendil's ship. She bailed."

"But you went anyways."

"I choose you, Kassandra." I'm interrupted as Khelek staggers down the stairs wrapped in a robe, just awoken, his hair a mess. 

"And anyways, as far as I'm concerned, Jade's outnumbered anyways."