Diary of a Christian Girl

Who am I?

I have wanted to write something like this for awhile. So, let me get straight to the point. I love God so much, so much that my heart aches and my eyes swell with tears when I even think of how I love Him. Yet, I do not understand myself at all. It used to seem easier to resist sin, but one day I let sin in and it has devoured me for three years.

I grew up in a Christian home, but I wouldn't say it was a Christian home. Rather, it was only Christian by name. There were definitely good times, with laughter and popsicles on a hot summer day. However, there were also bad days. Getting grabbed by my neck and slammed into walls. Running with my sisters to his call. Don't run too fast or he will get mad. Don't move too slow or he'll get mad. Make sure not to make any noise. These are some of my earliest memories. Yet I can't remember what happened afterwards. My sister's have memories, but I only remember being afraid. I remember looking at the locked door many times and wondering why my Mommy wasn't saving me as I cried out to her. Her voice normally on the other side screaming, "John, John, let me in!" 

Growing up I didn't have any confidence. I felt fat, I felt ugly, I felt dumb and I felt worthless. Looking back at photos, I'm surprised that I thought I was fat. I was a normal kid. My sister tells me that he would say I was fat constantly, I do not remember this.

I remember walking by the hallways in my house hearing my sisters say that I was out of control and that they hated me. I just wanted to play with them, I didn't want to be bad. Tears streamed from my face as I heard my mom say "I know". I went to sit on my bed and looked up into my mirror. My face was red and stained with tears, but that day I realized that life can hurt. I told myself that I would do everything I could to not let people feel bad like how I did and I wiped away my tears.

I could not read or write until I was in the second grade. I was homeschooled, but I was not taught. Part of that was my fault, I would run away and try to get out of doing work. One day, my mother went back to work and I had to start going to public school. I would run from the bus and run away inside the school. I remember the clock ticking in class and my teacher getting mad at me because I was the only student not writing in my notebook. It wasn't because I wanted to be bad, I just didn't know how to write. So I acted like I was too cool for writing and would run away. They tried putting me in a grade lower, but I was lost in first grade too. Eventually, they decided to pull me out of school and homeschool me again (I remember the counselor saying she thought it would be good for me...but didn't anyone notice the warning sign?). 

My first day back to being homeschooled he threw me onto the chair and grabbed my neck. "You're not leaving until you learn how to read". Tears flowed from my eyes as I thought that I was too dumb. Yet, I learned how to read.

In fact, when I went back to public school in middle school I was in the 99th percenticle for reading. I still felt like crap. I was ugly and chubby. I was bad in other subjects since I only focused on reading. Science? I didn't learn that. Math? Only multiplication, division, addition and subtraction. History? I once read about Abraham Lincoln. My grades consisted of C's, D's and B's. I remember the first time I showed them my report card and they told me that I needed to do better. I felt ashamed. Why couldn't I do better like the other kids?

God? Who is he? I just go for the free donuts on Sunday. If my mom and dad are Christians, I don't want anything to do with it. Or so I thought. In my 7th grade year my parents started going to a new church. I sometimes prayed to God for things (please let me get an ipod!), but it was only a "just in case" type of thing. If there is a God, what has He done for me? Why hasn't He made himself known to me? I had prayed in the past to know Him, but I always gave up.

Then one day something clicked in my brain. How can I say something isn't true or real when I don't even know about it? Sure, I knew the stories from church, but I had never read the Bible. I opened up my Bible that had been unopened for six years and I decided that before I made a decision I was going to know what I was talking about. So, I dedicated myself to trying to find if God was real or not.  I prayed every night, "God, if you're real, let me want to find you. Help me to read your book". I had no desire to really read the Bible, but I wanted to finish what I started out doing. For some reason, I didn't find it boring like when I tried in the past. I kept on praying that He would show himself to me and I decided to start going to church again. I battled so much in my mind. "But what if He isn't real?" I looked at the orphan children praising God at our church. They looked so happy, yet I thought they were fools. "what do they know? They're only children. Wait until they're older, then they'll see...". Yet it bothered me how stern they were in their faith.

One Sunday I saw a woman cry like I had never seen before. She wasn't sad, nor was she was happy. I had never seen ANYTHING like it. But I wanted it. Whatever she had, I really wanted it. I later realized that was her being in the presence of the Holy Spirit (and I can attest that it IS THE BEST). Yet, I still struggled with my faith. One day I questioned God in my head, and to my shock someone came up on the pulpit interrupting the pastor. "I'm sorry for interrupting, but I felt that God needs to tell someone something". I thought "cool, some generic message". Well holy crap, every time I started to ask a question in my mind the lady would ANSWER IT in front of the WHOLE CHURCH. I was excited though, and asked about five questions (although I really cant remember what they were). Every single question she answered and they were RESTATED EXACTLY LIKE HOW I THOUGHT THEM. My mind was blown and my faith increased.

It wasn't until I was in the eighth grade that I decided to give myself to Jesus though. I noticed a change and people did too. I started to pray that God would change me and give me a new heart. I prayed that he would make me smart and lose weight. I also changed, I starting jogging and getting good grades. Not just good grades, I became the #1 student in my school. I felt fulfilled, I felt happy. I went to bed 9:00 and would read/pray until 9:30 or 10. Then I would sleep. I never gossiped and I tried to be a servant (huge struggle for me with my sisters who did not want to clean, but I told myself that I couldn't change them, only myself). 

This continued all throughout high school and I was now known as the nice, quiet girl. People called me smart and told me I had a nice body.  I graduated at the top in my school, yet at the end of my senior year I made a blunder.

I felt ashamed when everyone my age knew about things I didn't know about. They had boyfriends and knew about their body. I didn't know anything and was called innocent. I wanted to know what they knew! At the age of 9, I had actually started watching porn and would masturbate. I didn't know really what I was doing and I didn't feel anything. Yet, I was addicted. I stopped on and off, but it wasn't until I found Jesus that I completely stopped it. Somehow, I didn't remember anything from that time. I thought "just once I'll search about it, it shouldn't hurt". 

It hurt. I became an addict. I stopped reading my Bible so much, yet I still kept up with Him. I didn't feel like it was bad. I mean, it felt good so why is it bad? For about a year I didn't have a problem with it. I knew it was wrong though, so I prayed to God that He would help me to see it was wrong and to convict me. In the second year I stopped watching porn, but kept on masturbating. I didn't think I had a problem until I realized I used it as a crutch. When I felt lonely, when I felt sad, when I felt stressed. I made an idol. However, I didn't want to stop masturbating. Sure, porn is bad, but it doesn't say masturbating is bad.

I spiraled out of control and started watching porn again. I stopped, started, stopped, started. It was a broken record. That was it I told myself. No more! I am an addict! So this year I told God that I won't do either. Yet... I do what I do not want to do. I am lost and broken. I have learned so much, but I still am clueless.

I prayed right before this time for God to teach me and to bring me to a new place. I prayed that I would fully understand what He did on the cross. I prayed that I would fully understand His love. Now I realize that being a Christian doesn't mean you're pure by world standards. No, it's not that we go through things and love breaks through and our story ends. NO! Jesus said we will suffer for him. The Bible says we must renew our minds constantly. It is not about me. Before I didn't make a sin an option and I was disciplined, but now I understand letting even the smallest "innocently masked" actions can be detrimental. It wasn't because I was good that I didn't struggle with other sins as much, but because I wasn't given as much of an opportunity. I thought that I was good. 

I AM A WRETCHED SINNER. I AM TRASH. However, a light shines through and I know who I am. My worth comes from the blood of Jesus Christ. He saw me before I was born and knew everything I was going to do, yet He chose to make ME! Not only that, but He still chose to die for ME! In my weakness, I am strong. I am battling my flesh more than I have ever before, but I would never take any of it away. I keep on stumbling, but even though the rains come crashing down, the grey clouds thicken and lightening threatens me, I am fixating my eyes on Jesus.

I promise all of you that my God will use this for good. I am excited because I know great things are in store, I will sore on wings like an eagle. I will run and not grow weary. My God is working so wait and watch, you will see!