i lost religion some time ago
when questions would spill from my lips
just to be collected and set fire to
the ashes brushed under the rug
the smoke dulling my senses to make the perfect example of
(fake)
servitude
but now the word god bubbles and foams at my mouth
it finds its way between my new iron lips
shredded between ivory teeth
and i don't question why
i think it may have something to do with my childhood
when my teacher would sit me on his lap
tell me to keep reading the words of god
who will protect me
as he didn't
as his hands wandered i prayed
and he memorised my skin and i memorised prayers
but god stayed anonymous
a third party
unaware
i was jealous of god
to be unaware
to be away
to be untouchable
untouchable by people and untouchable of punishment
but i was fearful of punishment
because i could still feel it's wrath
so i read like a good girl and he told my parents i read well
and they beamed with pride
and i shrunk away in embarrassment
because it's bad enough that god knew
if my parents did, i would get in so much trouble
and now no teacher of faith can make me pray
i remember falling to my knees so he could hide the evidence
and never again
never
no
i lost religion when i realised there was no place for me there
i didn't belong
i dont
forgive me
when it comes my time to meet my end
but i hope you understand
it was never you i hated
just what your followers stood for
i can't bend my will to submit
don't ask me to
i lost religion when i realised i outgrew it
when i didn't need a god to cling to
when prayer started to burn my tongue
a mindless hum
empty words empty space empty promise
i don't need god to love me i will love myself
even if it chokes me and blinds me at first i will do it
i don't need god to give me hope or help
never have they helped me with anything else it's been me
i will help myself
i inspire myself
write my own bible on my walls if i must
fall to my knees and beg myself to fix myself
gather everything i have
every last drop of willpower in my body
mould it into something useful and save myself
i lost religion
and i hope i don't find it again
