One More Beginning

He was my bestfriend. We were born on the same day, our mom’s were bestfriends, our dad’s met in high school. Except my dad and his dad were both killed in the same car accident, and we never were the same. My mom blames Lisa, my bestfriends, Mom for the whole thing and vise versa. I’m seventeen at the moment, my dad died when I was fourteen. Ryan, my bestfriend, and I would always hangout, sometimes he would come on secret sleepovers but then that night, everything changed. I lost three people that day, my dad, my mom, and Ryan. My mom was so caught up in anger that she forgot about me but Ryan, Ryan hurt me in ways no one could, he ignored me, however I couldn’t help but think about all the good memories we shared.

When I was six, I had this dog named Blueberry, he was named that because he loved blueberries, but in the end that was his downfall. I had a ball of dark blue play dough and I was molding it into many things, I ended up shaping it into a ball and soon got bored. I left it on the patio to find something to eat. When I came back my dog was dead on the grass. He thought that the ball of play dough was a blueberry and ate it, he then choked to death. I blamed myself for it, I cried and refused to talk. Ryan was on vacation at that time but a week later when he came back, I couldn’t stop talking.

I actually loved Ryan so much, not only in a bestfriend way. I loved how his eyes would widen when you mentioned pizza, I loved how his eyebrows would crease when he was sad. I loved how his dimples would show when he smiled. I loved everything about him.

Now he hates me. I don’t know why but, our families hated each other so much after the accident. At school, he was the popular jock, while I was the lonely nerd. He’d make fun of me every chance he’d get. I hate him, at least that’s what I want to believe. I think one of the main reasons why I hate him is because I just can’t hate him, I still try to believe he’s the same Ryan. I hate him because I love him, after everything he’s done. We’re actually neighbors, before it used to be the best thing ever, now it hurts so much because I can see it when he screws his flavor of the week and it hurts, it hurts like hell.

It feels like my heart is being trampled on over and over again, it feels like my mind is ripping apart, and I can’t think about anything other than him. My whole body is falling apart and not even duct tape can fix me.

But yesterday, he crossed the line and it hurt so much. I just felt numb, so numb that I was blind, deaf and mute to everything around me. “You are pathetic and worthless! I wouldn’t care if you were dead or alive. You are nothing to me. Nothing. You are a petty excuse for a human! You hoe!” Those words echoed in my ear.

The only thing in my room that really caught my attention was a knife in my kitchen. I took it and I started cutting everywhere I could. I cut my arms and my thighs but it wasn’t enough, I didn’t want to be tied down, I wanted to be free. I plunged to knife in my stomach and watched myself bleed out. I threw myself onto my bed and smiled, I was free. I felt something hold me and it felt so right.

The person kept on repeating words like “hold on” and “stay with me”. But all I could think about was how good it was to have their arms around me. I felt darkness take over. I was finally gone, I walked in darkness for so long. But then I finally saw a light, I walked towards it, instead of seeing God reaching out for me. I saw Ryan smiling at me, and I smiled back knowing that this wasn’t the end, perhaps even the beginning.