The Lonesome Thinker

Breakable

All lifelines had been used a long time ago. Floating on the surface without safety I am drowning, only holding on to the smallest string of hope. Time stops for a minute or two, firstly now I can see the honest reality and I let myself sink into the overwhelming darkness. Walking down the rainy path of love and hopelessness, something awoke inside me. Knowing what was coming I choked on my water filled lungs.

I reach our meeting place, he is not here so I wait. With music swinging in my ears and thoughts spinning in my head a strange feeling starts to grow. I have been striving to control my whole life, but now I stand on the deep edge ready to dive into the unknown. I hear something in the distance and shift my body to see him standing, a happy smile playing on his lips with easy eyes reflecting his unaware mind.

I needed to tell him right away, my legs were breakable and would not have the ability to hold me up much longer. I walked on glass, needles, it was burning ground. This was never meant to be, how can two broken people, who do not even know how to love themselves, have the ability to love another.

He was so close to change my mind, but I stayed strong, not for myself but for the sake of him. I would do anything to make his life easier, if that meant to be the one who needed to make the hard decisions then so beat it. All I could think of was losing him, that this was the last moment I would have the right to look at him this way ever again. Deliberately I shut down myself.

He tried to reassure me that we could work this out and start over. I wanted to believe and how I did, however, I could not go back. I am so close to breaking, but one look at him and I collect all the strength I need. I can not continue to live with hope, crushing the ide of us together is a must for survival. Therefor I reach out, and he knows. Tears running down my face.

Within seconds I have it back, and my hand is clutching tight. At that moment I realized, that after all this time, history had repeated itself. Harsh words may have been spoken, in this case for the better. I would lie if I did not want him to run after me, almost forcing me to be his, but longing after dreams are never good for a believer.

What we did was never the problem, it was what we ignored that slowly broke us. We cared and we wanted, but it was not enough. The fear of being left alone and miserable replaced the disbeliefs, and denial started to grow. Eye to eye. I looked with an unbreakable sorrow, he felt so near but yet so far away.

The moment I started walking he grabbed my arm and held me tight. The sun started to fade away, in synch to the rhythm of my falling senses. Be strong, be brave. He talked, but I did not listen. I wanted to stay in his warm embrace and never let go, but I was the first one to pull away. Separated ways we went, one tear after the other. My heart is breaking, sinking to the bottom before it was within reach of salvation. He was gone.

It started to be blurry, focusing was not even an option. Once more I started to feel the cold water. My eyes were still closed and when I tried to open them, memories we shared started coming to mind. I realized how much of value he was for me. A special safety, a lover and a friend.

I tried to swim, lift myself up, but in vain. The lightness I wanted to feel had escaped and fear felt somehow welcomed. It lived in the shadows and prayed on insecurity. I am trapped between my aching heart telling me not to let go and my brain who is trying to guide me into safety. Confusion and voices started to play on repeat. Was I too late, did I miss my chance, was this the right decision?

I fought within myself, seconds from freedom, but something, someone was in the way. It is you, it is Love.