Him.
You walk into a room with him and grow self aware, like a million judging eyes are peering at you through cracks in the floor and walls. Like you're on a stage in front of the world, failing to speak.
But, you pretend. you pretend this moment won't haunt you for days to come. You pretend you won't over think every breath, every heartbeat, every twitch.
He says hi. You're friends. You know this. You have been for a while. You two like the same stuff, listen to the same music, enjoy each others company. The only difference is, when he smiles at you, leans toward you, laughs at your joke, looks at you, you keep it on a little counter in the back of your head. Today the total count was 49 times. You add that to your total. It now says in big bold numbers 107,255.
Your heart says, "Surely that's enough. He has to like you now."
Your brain knows better. It knows the tales of unrequited love.
The numbers try to cover that room. Block the door in your brain that holds the truth; Nothing you do will convince him otherwise. Your brain tells you to move on.
You text a friend.
They send a wave of positivity and advice your way.
"You are beautiful and kind and sweet and awesome and talented."
"You will find someone someday."
"Look at the big picture, let go a bit."
You begin to cry.
The tears start slow, moving in a sedated state. You start to shake; The rate at which tears are produced picks up.
You are also mad. Mad at him, for not seeing the pain he causes, the sleepless nights he induced, but more that he is your friend. And you cant just leave him. Throw him away like you did with the last one.
You are mad at your friend because they can't understand why this hurts you like it does. That they are not giving you the answer you want.
You're mad at yourself. That you can't get over him. You can't listen to your brain. That your heart is stronger than the truth. That you can't explain what is going on. The war between your brain and your heart. You passed a battle a long time ago.
You try. So hard.
I try. So hard.
I'm sorry.
