I looked out the window of the house I'd always known... I was born here to my single mother. When I was 10 we found out she had untreatable cancer and how long we had wasn't measurable. At first, the doctors gave her a month, then a year, then 2... she died three months after my 14th birthday, leaving me to a brother I'd only known when I was young, too young to really remember. When my dad left he took my brother with him, because he wasn't my mother's, but he was mine. We looked so much alike that everybody thought we were a real family, that it wasn't temporary. Nobody, not even me, knew how fast it would break. The evening of my 4th birthday, we had a cake and I sat on my dads lap to blow out my candles while mom videotaped. Briar sung happy birthday to me from the other side of the table, smiling at me and I smiled back, my dad pulled back my strawberry blonde hair when I leaned forward, and mom cheered when the flames were gone. We'd never had much but we'd had each other and I always thought that was enough.
I missed them when they left, but what I didn't know is that the last time I'd ever see my dad was when he walked out of the same front door I'm about to, with all his bags, just like me, his back turned to us, and he'd never be coming home.
I took one last walk around the house, to my bedroom that I'd once shared with my brother, to my moms bedroom that she once shared with my dad, to the bathroom I've spend the last 9 years getting ready for school in, where I'd helped mom count out her pills everyday so she stayed healthy, where she'd later thrown up everything she'd eaten, I'd always taken care of her, and now she's gone... my heart sake as it had when I first found her, she'd gone while I was at school, here alone. Her funeral was small, we couldn't afford anything big, but I made sure it was just what she would've wanted, yellow and red flowers, her favorites, and I'd found a beautiful picture from when I was about 8, her and I went to one of those $1 photo booths and she looked so happy then, so real, that's the part of my mom I'll always remember, when she would smile at me. I'd often stay up with her on the couch, so she wouldn't feel alone, and I'd help her to bed when she was ready. She'd always apologize for being a burden, but every time I said she couldn't be, she never was, she was my mom. I'd always been a burden to her, now it was time to pay my dues, she'd laugh. I miss her laugh, it didn't always sound lively but it lifted my heart up a million miles. Everyday I'd hug her before I left and I'd tell her that I loved her more than anything, and that I'd see her later, I never thought that one day, I wouldn't. I hate goodbyes, I always have, but this one was the hardest, because I didn't realize that when she was gone she was gone, I never thought I'd tell her I loved her for the last time... and that's what it all was. The last words I'd said to my mother were, "I love you mama, I'll see you later, don't throw any parties while I'm gone!" And I'd never even given her to say them back before I ran to catch my bus... I fell to the floor and wept the same tears for the same story I'd told myself a thousand times, and it still hurt just as much. I heard the front door open and the child services worker came in. I moved into the corner of the room and looked around for the last time, the last room I'd seen my mama in. Her bed was still all made the way it always was, and I needed to say goodbye. I stood up and walked to her bed, and I laid my head on her pillow, I took a deep breath and all I could smell was her. It was something I'd never know again, so I had to remember it now, because it was my last chance.
"It's time to go," the CS worker said, I didn't like her, even when I first met her I hated her.
"We don't need to leave for another 17 minutes, give me space," I said, as calmly as I could. She left, and I laid there, breathing in my mom's smell, after 15 minutes I stood up, and I walked to her closet, and I got two of her shirts, her two favorites, and I took the pillow from her bed. If I had to leave for good I was taking every part of her with me. I had already packed every picture I we had in the house and put it into a suitcase all its own, and I put all of the things that have been passed down through our family in another. I didn't have much for clothes or my own things because the only worldly position I had was my mom, and a few things from when I was a baby which I packed up. I walked into the kitchen and made sure there was nothing else I'd want from the fridge or cabinets before everything was hauled out and trashed. There was nothing, everything that wasn't opened I brought to the local food shelf already, and I told the other people in the building they could take what they needed before I left, a few people came and took this and that, there was still some stuff left though. I walked to the living room one last time, where all those long night had been spent, I brought our tv to the pawn shop after I'd asked if anybody needed it, and he gave me $35 for it, enough to get a trac phone so I could keep in touch with everybody I knew, I got their numbers off the fridge where mama kept them for emergencies. I took a few pictures of things I had to leave behind, and I kept the picture of mama as my home screen so I could always see her smile.
"It's time to go now Layla," the CS worker said. She had already started bringing my bags to the car, and I picked up my duffle bag of clothes and the one with all of mine and mama's pictures and carried them gently out of the house. I turned around and locked the door, I left my key under the door mat but I kept mama's with me incase there's something I think about later, the landlord is lazy so the apartment's locks won't get changed for at least 3 weeks. I sat in the front seat of the car... now it's time to reintroduce myself to my brother. Every part of my wondered what he looked like now, if he looked like dad, if we'd still look alike. I wondered what it would be like just him and me, if we'd reconnect or if we'd be strangers... it was different to me, what if he didn't want to know me and just got stuck like this? I don't know...
