Laying awake at night, I mindlessly scroll through my phone. I feel sad, alone, and empty. There's nothing for me here. There's nothing I really contribute to. Even after fantastic days with fantastic people I still end up in the same place. My quaint, depressing bed. Any slightly bad situation and my mind reverts back to the one way to solve it. Being alone with my thoughts makes me believe horrid things. I'm not needed, I have no goals, I just waste space. I'm not special in any way either. There really isn't much going for me. But yet I drone on. I tell no one about the way I feel because I'm busy fixing their problems. I don't try to fix my own because there is never a good answer. The most I can do is be there for others and try, but at times that becomes too much.
It has come to the point where so many of my brain cells have stopped working that my friends don't know when I'm joking. They think I'm extremely stupid. I know I'm smart, but it never seems that way. I can never do anything right. I never say the right things. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to tell people how I actually feel, but I doubt they'd believe me or listen. People love to only talk about their problems, and the minute you need them they think you're self centered and rude. Just for wanting to share yourself with them like how they have to you.
I don't know what would happen if I told my parents anything I feel half the time. I know they think something is up but I've played it off okay enough. They would never put me on medication and I don't even think I need it either. And I don't think therapy would help since I don't even understand what I'm feeling. What's causing this. This helpless and empty feeling. But there's still that one thing that helps. It doesn't happen often, only when my glass is too full and needs to be dumped. I'm not sure why I decided to write this all here instead of in a journal like I usually do, but I feel that someone needs to see it. I think I'm a whore for recognition. I hope if whoever sees this, if that so happens, they'll know they aren't alone.
