Courage (To Tell You)

You don't have to love me
You don't have to care
As much as I care for you
Just know that i will be right here
If and when you need me
You know you amaze me
With how strong you've grown
You've managed to pick yourself up
Even after it all

Chaeng sighs, twirling the thin silver band in between her fingers, holding it up and out in front of her. She's lying down on her bed, listening to random songs, hair draped like a curtain of blonde-pink or pink-blonde (she can't tell anymore, now) on her pillow. This particular song came in on random and it's sadder than most, and it got her thinking about certain things - about the color yellow, of the most innocent doe eyes, plump lips, a childish giggle, a cheeky grin, and the signature bangs, whether they be blonde or dark or orange.

A fondness creeps into her chest - a warmth that carries with it good things and light memories - but not without its matching tinge of sadness, not without the weight of reality pulling her back to the ground.

The ring glints against her bedroom light. She sighs again, twirling it, staring at it, thinking.

Where did it start? When did it begin?

Was it when she bought you those rings? Was it one of meals they shared together over the years? They must have shared hundreds of those. Was it all the times they stayed up marathoning everything and anything under the sun, from Korean dramas to animated Disney movies? Was it the bike rides, the walks at the park? Was it the bickering and the eventual making up? Was it in the times Lisa listened to her thoughts and her stories about Australia, about growing up?

Was it how Lisa was always so fearless, even when she's shy? Was it how Lisa always tried to cheer her up?

Was it the times Lisa held her and comforted her when she missed her hometown and she'd hold and comfort Lisa back? Was it the physical affection? The playful kisses on the cheek? The tight hugs? The piggy back rides?

She closes her eyes, encloses the ring in her fist and places it above her heart.

I don't know how to tell you
You've been up in my mind
From the moment I wake 'til I sleep
Every second, all the time
I don't know how to tell you
It's been you all this time
But I know I'll just mess this up
'Cause i'm way out of line

Chaeng tries to picture it in her head, imagine it playing out. She puts herself standing in front of her best friend, hands to her wildly beating heart, breath short in anxiety, but courage built up and mind made, anyways.

Her best friend would be smiling, clueless, an eyebrow quirked in wonder at what she might have to say.

"Chaeyoung-ah~ what is it?" she would say.

And you'd open and close your mouth like a fish, like Joohwang, the words lodged in your throat, desperately pushing them out.

"What?"

Lisa... She gulps, realizing this was better said than done. But this Chaeng is courageous so she goes through with it, with all of the prayers and whispered wishes to the universe.

"Lisa, you make me so happy...

"Lisa, you made Korea feel like home.

"Lisa, you're my best friend, but... But, it's more than that now.

"Lisa, I love you. I've loved you for a while. I don't know when it started, but I've felt this for a while.

"Lisa, don't be mad okay?"

And Chaeng can see it vividly in her mind, the colors bright and sharp enough to blind anyone - the way her best friend's smile would drop, the way her mouth would open slightly in shock, the way the confusion would creep into her pretty doe eyes before it would be replaced by hurt and realization.

Lisa would feel hurt by the realization that she would have to break Chaeyoung's heart because she would never be able to return her feelings.

And for a second Chaeng's heart stops and her whole world comes to a standstill.

Then a tsunami of pain comes crashing over her head and she drowns.

It takes her a few seconds before her head pops up to the surface of the sea of her emotions. She assures herself that it's all in her head, that she's imagining it, and the waves start to calm down.

Then she's back on her bed again, rings clutched in her fist against her heart, dry tear stains against her temples.

She's been crying? Huh. Of course she is.

She hears a knock at the door followed by Lisa's muffled voice.

"Chaeyoung-ah~ I'm going to eat jjajangmyeon. Do you want some?"

She wipes her eyes with her hands and slips the rings back on her forefinger and pinky. She clears any trace of sadness from her voice and dons a smile.

Mask on, she thinks. Mask on.

"Yeee~ I'm hungry!" she answers, voice betraying her feelings, sounding as if all is fine in the world.

Chaeng gets up and walks to the door. She places her hand on the door handle but stops before turning it. She realizes the song is still playing in the background.

Courage where are you?
'Cause cupid fucked me up
Courage where are you
'Cause I can't

She sighs again and sends a quiet prayer to the stars.

"Just give me the courage to tell her that she's the best part of my day, at least?"

She opens the door and sure enough, Lisa is there on the other side wearing a cheeky, excited smile, clueless and happy.

I don't know how to tell you
It's been you all this time
But I won't 'cause I can't, I'll just wait
I'll be fine