Closer

After a long day of trying to save this kid that was sabotaging his own surgery, Andrew breaks over the cold body that he can't retrieve from the dead.

"Deluca. I am sorry. Look at me , I am sorry. There's nothing more that you.. that we could have done." Says Alex

"We.. we should have been more careful. We should have known the moment he came here." Andrew whispers and leaves the OR blood handed, trowing his scrubs away.

"Damn it, damn it." Says Alex and follows Deluca but as soon as he goes in the hall he can't see him.

Meredith is walking out of the other OR and she wonders what's happening.

"Whoa. Hold on there. What's wrong?"

"It's Deluca."

Her face goes serious. "Is Andrew okay?"

"We lost him, we lost the kid, Mere... He tried everything. It's his first loss on a solo surgery. I arrived there but even if I was about to do the surgery with him it would have been the same."

"Well, where is he?" She catches his arm, trying to figure out as much as possible, as fast as she can.

"Don't know. I ran out to search for him... Go find him."

"I'm going. Tell Jackson when he finishes to update the family and that I had an emergency."

"Yeah. Go go!"

Where would he be, where would he go, she thought. The roof? She checks. No Andrew. She asks the nurses. No sign. His pager is turned off.

His father left for Italy. His hopes for the baby in a bag project were all dropped when he realised how sick his dad was. He felt that he failed her and now this. This kid dies on him.

Meredith checks all the on call rooms in fhe hospital until she walks in in one finding him facing a wall holding a hand over his face.

"Don't." He whispers when he sees her.

"Don't what, Andrew? Don't come near you when you are falling apart?" She says calmly. "I said yes to this, to us. What's is happening to me is something that concerns me."

"No. Don't. You have some many problems in your life. You have kids that need you. Your sisters. Richard. Your job, your patients. You don't need me or my baggage added to that."

"Andrew..."

He tries to turn his back on her. To act normal and not start crying again.

"Mere... Just go." And he looks back to the wall hoping she'll leave.

But instead she carefully loves closer to him. Her hands go around his arms and body and she hugs him tight.

"What are you doing?"

"I Am Not Letting You Go. You understand me? I am here. I have made mistakes. Much bigger mistakes. I have loved and lost. I have had my share of family drama. I know. I know."

"But.."

"No but. Just breathe. I am applaying pressure to calm your heart rate. And.. and you don't get to decide whether I'm gonna be with you through this. I won't let you."

He signs and after a couple of minutes he faces her.

"He was just so young..." They sit on the bed. His head resting on her shoulder.

"You would be good in peeds you know that right? You care. Not many doctors care. You dedicate yourself."

"After today. Yeah. I don't think so." He takes her hand in his.

"No. Because this is what will keep you moving. You will think about him for the rest of your life. You will know better next time. The next kid will survive because you didn't quit this road. Alex wasn't into peeds himself at first."

"I know. He told me. He actually asked me to be my mentor. I don't know why he would want me after our thing."

"Look. He's Alex. He looks tough and angry but he is also my person. His mom has a mental illness, his father was a drunk, he had to care of his siblings, had a bunch of crazy girlfriends, one of which tried to kill herself and a wife that left him after she had a brain cancer.  Because of his past he doesn't trust people as much as he should. If he told you that he wants to teach you you shouldn't take that for granted. It means he trusts you with his patients. With little tiny humans that deserve a doctor like you."

"Whoa. I didn't know that. I thought he was just trying to make up to me for what happened in the past. I..."

"Still. You think about this when you can. It's a big decision."

"I will. Thanks, Mere."

She kisses his earlobe and his cheek. Her left hand is around his back reaching his face, petting his beard, feeling the shape of it. Her fingers erase the trails of his dried tears.

Andrew kisses the inner side of her hand and snuggles into her her. Meredith puts her legs up on his, half sitting on his lap.

Their breathing is the only thing one can hear in the room.

"I love you." She whispers to him and looks at him. "Andrew?" She smiles.

He fell asleep. Maybe it's too soon for that, she thinks and moves a little to smell his black curly hair and sinks into a dream allowing her head to fall on him and stay like that.