Today please ignore my bad grammar im not in the best of moods to actually try. I just feel so lonely even when i have a crowd of ppl around me. It could be friends, family, or complete strangers and im lonely. It doesnt make sense even to me, but it happens. I alaways fake a smile to ressure ppl im okay or maybe its more for myself.. idk anymore. Ive been unhappy for quite some time now.. i don't know what to do. I used to roleplay and talk to ppl more, but most of that got taken away by my parents. Im in a relationship and was happy for a while and then something changed. I just don't feel the same way i used to and i don't want to hurt him or lose him as a friend but i can't keep this up.. im hurting so bad at night, like now, to the point i cry until i fall asleep or i eventually give up on sleep. Im a bad person and i know it. I often ask why do ppl still pretend to care? Especially the ppl i haven't spoken with in forever and finally reunite with. They could've just acted like they never saw it. They couldve avoided me all together. I hate myself and i know others do to and they just don't tell me.. im sick of crying, aching, and pretending everything is all right all the time. I used to think i did this for attention, but now i know its always been real. There is no happiness for me... not now... not 20 years from now.... not ever.... Ppl often tell me i give good advice when the truth is i just tell them to do what im not brave enough to. I just act like i can be happy when im not cause im to scared to be brave, vulnerable, laughed at, given up on, or lonely in the end. Everytime i used to show my true emotions ppl got angry at me which made me cry more at night. My bf and i have been on rocky slopes for a bit, but im sad because i know i don't feel like i used to, but I'm not brave enough to tell him.. my heart hurts now and it probably will until my luck runs out. Its getting there.. i recently got something called MRSA which is a staff infection that once to you have it you are prone to get again.. this isnt fair.. i watch others live happy, normal lives while i hide behind a mask with only a bandaid on my heart, but im afraid a bandaid cant do much for a glass heart that's shattered and about to fall apart.. im beyond the point of bandaids.. im to the point of no return.. and before anyone asks i am seeing a counselor, but it doesnt help for all things. If you know how vto mend a shattered heart let me know.... thanks for reading.. and sry for the dumb rant... bye for now😢👋
