My Real Journal (Diary)

The First Entry

Today was quite hectic to say the least, I was notified in the beginning of the day that I had a pop-up performance I was helping out with. So I hurriedly asked my friend for her phone to ask Jeremy (my biological father) to bring me to it even on such a late notice. At the end of the day I was convinced that I wasn't going which just gave me anxiety knowing that I'd get grilled for not performing by the upper class-men so I simply left my trumpet and music behind at school as if they were physically resembling the problem to help me let go of it. 

When I got home everything was silent the way it usually is before 7 when the house is full of loud voices. I video called my boyfriend who lives in Minnesota and it was truly delightful seeing his amazing smile and laugh with him saying I love you every few minutes to make sure he never forgets. Then my alexa (household robot mom) tells me to get dressed and ready so I do but I'm all so confused before figuring out that I'm going to perform which is exciting although I had to say goodbye to Dylan (my beloved handsome man). 

The night goes along, people screw up but I really don't the space for that in my journal and i'd want to try and keep it out of my head space. Anyways Jeremy listened to the performance and didn't look too impressed although I know it was due to a few slip ups which disappointed me a little but I'd be fine since it wasn't my usual ensemble.

 In the car Jeremy and I talk about the usual random politics, we got some pretty decent fried chicken and a free Dr. pepper from the magical golden arch. Although all throughout the night he kept genuinely asking me if i was high or drunk and it annoyed me a bit but i thought it could probably just be my accent. Then he kept calling me a dumbass when I was having a hard time comprehending what he was trying to say cause in the moment I couldn't think one bit which really put me down but it could've been worse so I shouldn't let it get me down.

 Anyways, to what I was trying to get to... after this whole day I wrote a bit and here it is!

The First:

Sometimes in certain situations I shake a lot as if I have no control over my body, my small chubby pale hands feel like there's a wall between communication and will. When I perform I become this way physically, only in control over my tone that cuts through the air as metal with water so smooth and slick. In other situations when someone is telling me how I messed I look away and become shaky on the inside, feeling my teeth rattle to try and block out the noise emitting from all around me, sucking from the spring of my confidence and hope I had now that's now almost gone. In these situations it's considered rude to stare them in the eye with such an emotion I usually convey on accident which is hostile - as if I couldn't care less - when I'm just scared to disappoint them even more so I look at the ground but then it's coward like of me to do this but I'm trying my hardest.

The Second:

When I say I'm trying my hardest it truly means that I'm on a quest to try and find the one something to get me out of my cold dark corner with damp air and soft sheets pressing up against my dry smooth skin to help me not disappoint you. But to maybe make you proud for a day or two, I just want to not seem different or weird in a bad way anymore because I'm not stupid or lazy. I'm lost. I have found myself walking through a beautiful forest full of people doing their part but also enjoying the scenery as much as I am. But I'm different because I haven't found my correct path or section to tend to, to take care of. So i'm going to be removed from this forest into another one soon maybe one more beautiful but I'm quite scared. Last time I left a beautiful forest I got stuck in a black slick brick tunnel dripping in cold wet drops of melancholy, running down my warm bare shoulders making me shiver.

 Have a lovely day!

-Ry