Just A Girl

Chapter 11

After my talk with Adrian, days and nights seemed to run together for a while. I'm not sure when my family started to become closer, but I do know that the atmosphere in our home began to grow warmer and comforting.

My dad had been trying to interact with me more. I even caught him praying for me while he was cooking. I sat and listened to him repent to God for not being the husband and father that the family needed because of the way he strayed from God's presence. I watched him pause and wipe a tear from his eye as he asked God to give him guidance on how to love us correctly.

I watched him and not one ounce of me felt compelled to forgive. Deep down I knew I wanted to, but I was resentful. Had he said this prayer when things with Titan went wrong maybe none of this would have happened to me.

Snapping back to present day I took my phone out and sent a text to my dad.

Me: Hey. Can we talk?

Dad: I'd love that. Do you want to go somewhere or talk at home?

Me: Can you take me to the river spot where you use to take us to play?

Dad: Sure thing. Meet me downstairs in 30.

Me: K

Pulling myself off the bed and fluffing my hair, I walked to get my journal. It's been a while since I wrote in this, but here goes nothing. Taking a deep breath I decided that today was the day I let it all out.

Starting with God.

Taking a deep breathe I began to write.

"God. I think today is the day I want to get some things off my chest. I'm not sure what I want to say to my dad. I'm not sure if I'm in a space to forgive him. But I know that my anger isn't only with him, but with you as well. I've been stuck in a battle. Some days I tell myself I'm done believing in you. I tell myself that you should've kept my family together. YOU should've made sure Titan was born healthy.

YOU should have done so much more to make sure we were a happy family. But there's a part of me that knows that your ways and our ways are not the same and what we desire is not always what's going to occur.

I'm sure you already know about my anger towards you. I've been purposely distant. There's so many other ways I could go about getting happiness, but I'm not sure what that looks like in the greater scheme of things.

God. I love you. I'm angry with you, but I love you. Can you help me release this hurt and anger? I want to move past it, but I don't know how when the memories plague me. I just want to forget it all, but I'm stuck and I'm asking for you to guide me."

Feeling tears swelling in my eyes, I take another deep breathe and release it slowly.

"That's it for now." I say to myself as I begin to make my way downstairs.

Walking to the living room, I stare at my dad sitting on the couch waiting for me patiently. A lump grows in my throat and my feet feel as if they weigh a ton. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this.

My dad must've heard my heart pounding because he called my name just as I was about to rush back upstairs.

"Hey dad... You ready?" I say to him sheepishly.

"Yea. Let's go." Dad says.

The car ride was 20 or so minutes of silence. I could feel my dad glancing my way every now and then.

I'm not sure how I even want to start this conversation.

Do I just blurt out all my feelings? Do I ask him questions? Maybe a mixture of both... Yea. That sounds like a good idea.

Once we got to the spot I walked over to the tree we carved our initials in.

"Hey dad?" I spoke. "Do you remember the day we came and wrote our initials on this tree? Titan had a health scare, but everything turned out fine so on the way back from the hospital you drove us here."

Dad replied, " Yea, I remember that day. Your mom and I were so scared. We came to this spot afterwards to ease our mind and give you and Titan some room to play while we did it. I remember us coming to this tree because you said it was sooooo pretty and you wanted to take it home."

My dad laughed and continued, "You've always been loving and strong willed Addie. Your mom is like that too."

Taking a deep breath, I walked over to my dad and say, "Dad.... I'm ready to talk. About everything."