Just A Girl

Chapter 12

I walked over to the bench and sat with my hands under my legs as I kicked my feet. I wasn't sure where to start, but here goes everything.

"Dad. I know you've been wanting to talk to me for a while. I've avoided you as much as I could, because I couldn't stand the fact that everything seemed to be going back to normal just because Titan came home.

It was as if things were only alright when he was in the house, but what about me? Would things be as bad if it were me laid up in the hospital instead of Titan? You were so sad that he was gone that you never thought to check in with me.

I felt like only mom wanted me and in your eyes, both of us agitated your very being.

You know.... I feel like I stopped seeing love in your eyes. Your actions showed that you were angry with the world, but I could always count on their being a glimpse of love in your eyes.

When that glimpse was gone, I felt hate enter my heart towards you. Then you began to diss God. And from there, doubt of God entered my heart. It was like every other day I was feeling the light in our home be sucked out and I didn't know what to do.

But dad. I've seen that light make its way back into our home. Now I feel like an outsider to it. I feel like it's only back because Titan is back. Why didn't it stay when he was gone and we were still there? Was mom and I not important enough to you and God?"

I took a deep breath and looked at the trail of lines I made from kicking my feet. It felt like an eternity waiting on his response.

After a few moments I felt my dad grab my hand that I didn't know was slightly shaking.

"Addie... Baby girl. There comes a time where even parent's need to admit to their wrongs. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I've never been in a situation where my faith had been tried to that extent so it was easier for me to love God and you all in the correct way.

When Titan went in the hospital and didn't come back home with us, I tried to keep strong. I tried to be what I needed to be, but I got lost in my emotions. I felt like my prayers weren't being answered quick enough.

Looking at you and your mother only reminded me that I wasn't able to keep my family together. I would see your eyes... The same eyes that I passed down to you and Titan. It felt like I was being slapped in the face with a harsh reality every time I looked at you.

I'm sorry I couldn't pull myself out of that hole. Forgive me for bringing the toxic doubt and disrespect of God into our home.

And it was never because you weren't enough. You are all that you need to be in my eyes and God loves you more than you can even fathom. My shortcomings as a father has nothing to do with you.

I pray you can forgive me Addie.

When I became a dad to you and Titan I remember my parents telling me that there'll be alot of mistakes along the way and that no matter how many children you have, you'll always be learning something new.

I never realized how true that was until the tests got harder, my faith began to wither away, and a harden heart began to manifest.

I know it may take some time, but I'm here for you in any capacity you need."

I sat there reflecting on everything my dad said. There was a burden that felt like it had been lifted off of me.

I'm not sure if things will be back 100% in a matter of days, but I did feel the love of both father's again.

I looked over at my dad and realized he made some of the same marks in the ground as I had. We're so alike in some of the smallest things.

As I stood up to grab my things, I stepped forward to hug my dad. As he hugged me back I felt a peace like I did before everything went sideways.

Lingering in his arms for a little longer, I looked up and said, "I love you dad. We can go home now."