On Purpose

Chapter 9

//AUTHORS NOTE// 

I'm honestly really excited for this chapter tbh. Hiihhiii. The update is: I am currently fangirling over something I have not written yet, but I am smiling wide, so doesn't matter. 

Clarke's POV

I woke up in my tent, gasping for air. My heart was beating out of my chest as I pushed myself up to sit with my sweaty hands. It was a night like most of the others. The same nightmare. 

My breath steadied, and my heart rate slowed down. Not to the normal, but it was not as quick as it had been just a few moments before. 

I suddenly felt trapped in the tent and stumbled outside to get some fresh air. It was dark, and most people had gone to sleep. There were lights in very few tents, and guards were standing around the gate. Except for a quiet chatter here and there, it was silent. And I liked that. It calmed me a little.

My eyes were hurting, pleading for sleep. It was probably not the last nightmare of that night, and I knew it. There was never only one. They haunted me. 

I tried to get myself together, but feelings from the dream were still roaming all over my body. 

"Hey, shouldn't you be getting some sleep?" I heard a familiar voice beside me and immediately recognized it. Bellamy.

I turned to face him. 

"I could ask you the same," I said, kind of avoiding the question. 

"I just got off a shift, now you answer me," He answered, looking into my eyes. 

I sighed while looking away from him. I could still feel his eyes on me. 

I should tell him. He would find out eventually anyway, and he was Bellamy. Bellamy cared, really cared, and he wasn't going to let it go. 

I let out another sigh before I spoke. "I have nightmares," I stated. 

He kept quiet a moment. I don't know if it was because he was surprised that I actually told him, or if he waited to see if I had more I wanted to say. 

"I have multiple a night, and I wake up every time. I just woke up from another one and I needed air," I told him, looking back into his eyes. 

"I have nightmares too," He stated and I looked rather surprised at him. I don't know why I hadn't expected that. Most of the things that haunted me, he was a part of too, so why wouldn't it haunt him?

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say, and I also felt like I didn't need to say anything. I understood him, and he knew that. 

"You should go inside again. It's cold out here and you need sleep," 

I realized I hadn't pulled anything over me when I went outside and was really just wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. 

I shook my head at his words. "No," I began.

"I can't go in there again and I can't go to sleep. The nightmares will just come back and I feel trapped in that tent whenever I wake up. I don't know what it is- it's just... I don't want to be alone." I didn't know what else to say, that was pretty much everything I had to say. 

"Then at least come to my tent for a while, we can't have you getting sick from standing out here," Bellamy spoke, a small smile creeping on his lips.

I looked him in the eye and it was like he was pleading me to take up the offer. 

I nodded slightly and we walked to his tent. 

I walked inside first and he gestured for me to sit down. I sat down on his bed, feeling even more tired as I sank into the soft material. He sat down beside me.

"Want to talk about it?" He asked. His voice was soft. Caring. I felt bad taking his time because he needed sleep too. 

He waited patiently for me to speak. Or to not speak. Anyway, it felt nice. He let me say whatever I wanted to. Maybe it would be good for me to talk with someone about it, and he had nightmares too so he would understand. 

"It's always the same concept, it just happens in different ways." I began, my breath shaking lightly. 

"There are all these people and their life is in danger in some way. It's up to me to save them - like with Echo the other day - but I never can, they always die and it's all because of me."

I felt Bellamy put his hand on top of mine before I continued. 

"They kill my mother every time too. And w-we're the only ones left," I spoke, referring to Bellamy and I. "And then out of nowhere, you die too. They stab you or torture you to death," My voice began shaking more and the tears started slowly falling down my cheeks. 

Bellamy wrapped me in his arms in a sideways hug. I buried my face in his neck, and all I could smell was him. His embrace calmed me, and eventually, I stopped crying. I could feel my eyes getting heavier, and without being able to resist, I fell asleep beside Bellamy.

I was shaking and crying when I woke up again. Once again I pulled myself up to sit. My heartbeat wouldn't slow down, and I barely noticed Bellamy beside me. I must have woken him too, because he was with me in an instant, placing his hand worriedly on my arm. 

My head found his chest as I felt his hand on the back of my head, caressing it lightly. 

"Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that." He said. I could hear his heartbeat, and it actually calmed me. My breath steadied as I stopped shaking. 

For once I didn't feel trapped. I pulled away from Bellamy and looked at his face. All of his freckles and his eyes. It was him, and he was right there. 

He pulled me down towards his chest as we laid down once again. This time, my head was on his chest and one of his arms was wrapped around me, his other hand resting on one of my arms. 

One of my arms rested on his chest as well. I could feel his heartbeat and his chest calmly rising and falling again through the thin fabric of his shirt. 

Surprisingly, I didn't wake up more during that night.