My Void of Darkness

Everything Will Be Alright...

I lay awake, finding myself surrounded by darkness, the embrace cold and unwelcoming. I had gone too far and wished it could all end. I had been so stupid to get into this mess. I should have known something like this would have happened at some point... I cling onto myself, trying to find comfort before the voices-

"THIS WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS!"

"YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A NORMAL LIFE AGAIN!"

"YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID GIRL!"

"NO ONE WILL EVER LIKE YOU AGAIN!"

Just stay out of my mind, I know I messed up, but it wasn't my fault! I know who I am now, and that's what matters! That's all in the past...

I spent almost a year living through a lie I told myself and forced myself to believe it was true, but it wasn't... I didn't listen to myself... I kept lying to myself as if it was the truth. I knew it was wrong, but I was so scared of what might happen, that I started telling myself false things as if I was saying it would be alright... A form of self-comfort.

It felt as if I was dragged around, chained up and unable to move on my own, I had no free will... I felt unworthy of anything. I couldn't do anything on my own. The chain felt like it would grow tighter around me if I tried to fight against it.

My mind was clouded by my actions, I couldn't focus on the things that were important. I struggled to keep up with my responsibilities in life, falling behind and feeling like I could never get anything done without being dragged into the darkness. I tried to fight back, but it was hard and it felt as if the weight on my shoulders would become even more difficult to bear as the chain grew tighter. It was like no matter what I tried, nothing would work, it only got worse...

I never felt as if I was safe, I had trouble trusting others around me. I wanted to speak up but feared what would happen if I did. I feared what my friends would think of me... Friends began to worry, so I put on a fake smile and I kept telling them that I was fine, but in reality, I felt as if I was being dragged down even more in punishment, unable to return... The darkness was water, and the pain and guilt was an anchor.

I felt as if I was alone, and no one could hear me. I try to scream out in the darkness, but nothing comes from my mouth. I knew that I wasn't alone, but my mind couldn't grasp things, so I felt as if I was alone, and nobody cared about me...

I felt like I could never tell anyone, in fear of what they'd think, and in fear of getting hurt. So I kept it a secret...

"You should have just left!"

But I didn't want to! I drove myself to think I did. I lied for so long, that I didn't hesitate to do as I was told, even if it was dangerous. I tried to keep myself safe, but it became harder and harder. I felt as if I was going mad and I would never be myself again.

"You don't deserve this!"

Then why did I come back, and face the truth?! I was terrified of how others would think about me if they'd forgive me... Even with friends around me, I still felt as if I was completely deserted. I spent innumerable days crying my heart out as I suffered through the aftershock. I lost sleep, had bad dreams, I clung onto those limited friends I still trusted with my life.

Nights grew dark and grey as I would want to give up entirely on it all as I felt myself fall into a bottomless abyss of despair. I tried to climb out, urging myself to go on and stay positive, not wanting to give in, but I would fall back down. I had to be strong and get back up again.

"But why did you do this...?"

I began to believe I had no freedom, that I had forgotten "why" in the first place... I had heard so many things, so many lies I told myself that I didn't know what to think or believe anymore. I tried to find happiness in anything, wanting all of the pain to go away.

I felt like I was falling deeper and deeper into the darkness, but I would find someone reaching out their hand, pulling me back to the light. But it's not always sufficient... I still felt as if I was drowning in the darkness, unable to find anyone... I was still struggling in the water even if I was in the shallow end.

But at one point, it was almost as if I saw a small spark of hope and light in the darkness. I reached toward it, grasping it carefully. I stare at it in amazement as I feel myself becoming whole again. It was almost as if my niece had saved me from my darkness.

I still have trouble staying away from the darkness, but I know that I'm stronger now and can fight through it. I may be scarred and bruised from this, but that still makes me stronger. I want to reach out to others who felt the same way I did and help them back onto their path. I know how it feels, thinking you're alone and afraid.

Not many people know the real me, but I hope they would take the time to get to know me.

I never really realized how lucky I am until now... So much had happened to me at that time, and I was so scared that I turned away from anyone in my life. So much could have happened if the ending was altered. If I lay awake at night, then I speak to myself for comfort.

People don't always understand what's going on, so they judge about how it happens based off the stories I tell based on the event. If only they knew the hell I have gone through...