The Woman's First Love

F I R ST L O V E

I am a woman who indeed fell in love one sidedly. I don't want to forget that's why I wrote everything I loved about him. I don't want to forget but my heart wants to. What to do?

I wrote my thoughts in a single piece of paper. My thoughts about him, the things I liked about him.

I first loved his eyes.
His eyes were screaming danger, at the same time, it's also sweet.
You'll love his eyes when his smiling.
You'll thought of him as cute.
His eyes are different from mine.
You can see in his eyes only his eyeballs, the black ones when he laugh.
His eyes were cute that you'll wish he should smile more often.
The danger in his eyes.
When his eyes have the aura that you can feel.
His sharp eyes looking at you, makes you shush.
The danger behind his eyes were dark.
Dark but pretty.
I've never imagine how dark could be that beautiful.

His smile.
The smile crept in his lips every time.
Smile that makes you smile too.
I loved the smile he is showing every time he make fun of me.
I let him tease.
If that makes him happy, so do I, I guess.
I broke principles.
I broke promises to myself.
I broke things that should be done.
To be with him and wait for his smile to come.

The voice.
I love his voice.
It sounds manly and beautiful.
The songs he usually know is far from what I knew about him.
About the song he introduced to me, I laughed.
Right after that, in the next morning he asked me why I laughed.
The song that he introduced to me.
Specially rewrite the stars and the movie.
I was inspired to finish that song on a guitar.
Leaving him as an inspiration, unconciously.
And I was excited to tell him that I know how to play it.
I was thinking that I could play the guitar though he knows.
And he could sing.
He said I could be a mother, well after that he thought of me better as a maid.
After that my heart's unconciously beating rapidly.
His voice can be cold as breeze.
But that breeze is something you could bear to feel especially when it's him.

His hands.
The way he moved.
The way he danced.
He slaps me, well,, sometimes.
The way he played guitar.
So cute, adorable and cute.
So smooth.
His actions.
He hugged my panda I hugged that night.
He put the blanket on me, though he could just place it somewhere.
Saying be safe.
Deep talks with friends and all.
I love his actions.

His hair.
Not silky.
Not smooth and all.
But cute.
His hair that makes his more like a respectable man.

The glasses.
It made him lookes matured and all.
It suit him.
The way he puts his glasses on.
And the way he losts his glasses.
How adorable.

His back.
I'm always looking.
At the side, or either in front of him.
Specially at the back.

Tell me.
When he speaks her all over.
Blah there.
Speaking with her deeply.
His attraction to somebody.
I wanted that position.
I'm not crying because of the shit.
But it makes me feel that I wanted that.
Is this greed?
I want him for only me.
But, there's always but.
I'm afraid of his response.
I'm afraid that he will not look at me again.
That he will fell disgust.
Sharp words.
Possibilities.
Hurt.
Responsible.
Risk.
I don't want to risk a broken heart.
I don't want that's why I'm trying to limit.
I know to myself that it's not stopping.
I wanted to stop, but there's a part of me of wanting.
But I can't.
I know it will be dangerous and all.
Because not only his good side I was interested, but his thoughts, personality, secrets and all.
He is very dangerous.
I must stop.
I should stop.
But I can't.
I 'm always wanted the feeling.
But I can't risk.
I want but I can't.
I may be weak, afraid and all.
But I'm always afraid that he'll say that this is  a waste of time.
What's a waste of time? This shit?
I want to stop, but I also wanted to keep on going.
Maybe I should.. keep?
I don't know.
Though I love the progress.
But I want something more.
I want more of that.
Though it's impossible.
I know it, but I'll keep on going.
He is danger.

Ang lamig na ng mukha ko dahil sa luhang lumandas. Hindi ko na pala namalayan na umiiyak na pala ako. Okay lang 'to diba? To limit myself. Alam ko namang hanggang dito nalang itong nararamdaman ko.

Though I wanted more of this, hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto ko nalang na dito nalang ako. Siguro nga natatakot ako. I'm so afraid to deepen my feelings. I'm so scared of the thoughts and the scars. Takot nga talaga ako kaya nililimitahan ko ang sarili ko.

Sabihin na ng ibang tao na hindi ko kayang panindigan ang nararamdaman ko. Naging masaya naman ako na minahal ko siya, though I know it would be painful.

Sabi nila kung gagawa ka ng masama, sagarin mo na. Sasagarin ko ba? I don't want to. Let's say it's not healthy for me. Kung sasagarin ko yung sakit? Pano na ako? Baka mag-iba ang pananaw ko at lalong magulo ang magiging pananaw ko sa nararamdaman ko.

Nililimitahan ko ang sarili ko para maiwasan ang sagad. Though I know it would be or it could be worth it, ayoko parin. I want to take that risk pero parang feeling ko hindi pa ngayon? Kaya kong mag take ng risk pero pakiramdam ko hindi ko pa kaya.

Am I too awful? Is being selfing too bad? Masama na ba akong tao na iniisip ko ang sarili ko na wag masaktan? Kahit alam ko na maaaring may mag-intay sa akin na mas magandang opportunity na I will be selfish for someone too. Pero alam kong hindi pwede dahil may inaasahan siyang iba.

Something more better than me. Something he thinks more deserving than me.

Naaawa na ako sa sarili ko actually. He's the first man I cried for helplessly thinking that he's into other women. But sabihin na nating swerte ako. I succeed in stopping myself to love him deeper.

Hindi ko 'to masabi sa kaniya kaya atleast in a piece of paper, I can freely express my feeling to him. Wala akong balak sabihin sa kaniya.

Siguro sa tingin ko magiging desperada ako, at magiging hopeless ako kung pinagpatuloy ko. But no, he's just a man. He's just a man na dumaan sa akin to give me a lesson. Now, I'll try to move on. He's just my first love after all. Makakalimutan ko din siya, tiwala lang.

Ako nalang ang magpupunas ng luha ko.