Always happy

S

      Hi, my name is Honey. I am 15 years old and i live in New Jersey. I go to a ver large high school with many students. I have always had just about anything i could ask for, I'm very grateful.
I guess I'm here to tell my story.

     Everyone knows me as the little ray of sunshine. No matter what I'm always smiling, and laughing. But lets start from the beginning.

    I had a very rough first few years of my life. In and out of foster homes until i was finally put with my dad. He was not a family man, so i spent a lot of time alone.

   The only way he knew how to make a girl happy was through buying me stuff, so thats what he did. Im very grateful for everything he got me, don't get me wrong. But its not what i wanted. The only thing i ever wanted was to be loved.

   Lets go back to elementary school. My hardest days.

Elementary school

"Honey? What kinda stupid name is that?!" The boys would say while laughing at me. Often they would make up a chant at recess.

"Honey bunny fat and cubby" that was the most common.

I always laughed though, no matter what.

It was hard. I was weak, so i couldn't really fight for myself. Often the boys would beat me up after school, but i wouldn't tell anyone.

But there was this one time.

"Honey bunny fat and chubby! Honey bunny fat and chubby!! Chase us fatty! Becha cant even keep up! You so weak" the oldest boy said while kicking and punching me. The rest of the boys joined in. The oldest, his name was Jeffery, he dragged me into the janitors closet. He beat me bad. "I wonder how fat you really are? How about i take a look?"  He ripped me shirt off and burnt me several times with a lighter. I cried, "p-please stop..!" He gaged my mouth and proceeded to rape me. Then his friends came in and joined. Once they were done with me, they left me there and i cried for what felt like hours. I was 9 at the time. Once i had enough strength to stand, I walked home and went to sleep.

After that I couldn't look at the boys the same way again. I was terrified that they would hurt me. But like always, i kept smiling and laughing even though i was hurting.

I was 10 years old when i started self harming myself. I did it so I could feel something, by this point I was completely numb. Like a smiling robot. It was like the words didn't mean anything anymore. If someone was nice to me I would be nice back but I wouldn't feel the warmth of their words.

At family events I stayed to myself a lot. They would all laugh and smile, so would I. At the end of the events, they would hug me and tell me they loved me. I always said it back but i didn't feel it.  I didn't know what love was.