It's Too Cold For Angels To Fly

Losing Faith

How do you live without hope? How does it work? Why do people believe in something so unrealistic? If there really are guardian angels, where's mine? These questions float around, and around, and around in the back of my mind. Even when I was a kid I would always try to find something to hope for.

My dad and stepmom, well they were never good to me. They always thought I was a screw up, so they loathed me for when I actually succeeded instead of my step siblings. It wasn't always like this, however, there was a time that I did believe, when my mother was still alive.

You see, my mom was a kind, soft spoken woman. Beloved by many. I guess my stepmom was just jealous of that so she treated me the way she did. My mom would take me to church every Sunday and out for lunch every week, I was baptized when I was 2, and a few days later was, well, the accident. I stopped going to church because it was too unbearable, and I gave up.

Why am I like this? Well, I've always been like this. Being deaf didn't help either though. But I could blame the accident for that. I lost all of my hearing after it and now I can't even listen to anything.

After mom died, I was treated worse and worse with each passing day. I was taken out of school for 'home schooling' but it was really just so I could keep the house clean. They'd force me to do my step siblings' homework. They'd hit me, cut me, and at some point one of them stabbed me, and unfortunately I didn't die.

In the first few years I would always hope and dream that my guardian angel would save me, but they never came.

As the years added up, my faith slowly started to drain away, more and more every day. I can't say I'm not surprised, I already knew this would happen eventually. My mind became an empty black hole of sadness and more sadness, but I held no disdain towards my parents, that's something my mom taught me. 'Always be kind and don't hate, let the lord guide you' Well look where that got me.

I do hope my family will be happier without me, though, and if my guardian angel is out there, I hope they're enjoying their life also. I guess I still have some hope left, but it might be for the wrong people.

As I look over to the chair in the middle of my room and the rope hanging from the ceiling I realize nothing can save me now. I won't write a note, and I won't say goodbye. I will say hello to a new realm, the unknown realm of death.

I walk steadily to my chair and stand on it. I pull the loop around the neck, and I stand there, thinking to myself. What could I have done? As I take my final breath and step off of the chair a bright flash appears, but before I could see what it is, my world goes dark.