my life rants and occasional stories

Ranting at 2:26 a.m. till 2:52a.m.

i honestly try not to be sensitive and try to stay strong. i try not to let others get to me. i give advice to others i try to help them but i never get help for myself. i never ask for it. i'm extremly insecure but i cover it up with being tough. i pretend to be someone i'm not. i don't share a lot of my true hobbies and opinions afraid of others thoughts scared of being judged and made fun of. i act semi obnoxious to hide my insecurities. i hide myself. i try not to let others get to me but they do. i hide it from others i brush it off. i do my best to get through my life and school but i get extremely stressed and anxious because of the pressure from my family. my teachers always tell them i'm so smart but i'm not my grades say otherwise my test and quizzes go against this. always a c- or a c in math for test. D-B in history never good in spanish the only subject i'm good at in school is english. i know my writing and grammar may go against this statement but i try so hard but i fail so much. i can never keep up. my friends are all so talented i'm not. my friends are either super smart, or athletic artistically gifted, creative, able to actually write good at gaming. musically gifted they are good with fashion. involved with good causes. able to get involved in civil right movements.  they are good looking. they are capable. they can dance. they have a passion they know who they are. they know what they want to conquer. they have goals.  they have plans for there future. i'm just an outsider. my family they always are pressuring me. my mother has her own life and mental problems to deal with my dad has school and his own life to get back on track after 16-20 years worth of drugs. i don't even live with tem.my brother ignores me and tells me hates me all the time he never wants to bond. my great gram is old and is trying so hard to take care of us and i love her dearly but she is always judging me and my looks. i'm isolated i am never caught up in modern culture. i never understand what my friends or family are talking about so i read and read and read and read. i try to dabble in everything just so i can connect with one of them. i can never keep up i try so hard and i fail at everything i'm way to stubborn for my own good. i give up so easily because i doubt everything i do. i can't make decisions. i hopeless. i have no future. i want to be a travel journalist but that requires me to know languages but i can;t even keep up in spanish and i have for years under me. i'm unfit to ever achieve anything worthwhile. i don't even understand myself.  i just don't know how to deal or handle anything i can identify everything that's wrong with me but i can never fix it.