Why did people have to stare at me? Like some wild animal that belonged in a cage on display rather than the hallways of Ridgeview High School. I was known as 'that girl', and 'that girl' was not a reputation I desired, but what choice did I have? These people, these savages, these rotten high schoolers were the ones who drove me to the edge of sanity. How dare they, look upon me, with shame. How dare they look down on someone they do not understand.
Silly me, right? I can't help but laugh at how ridiculously I perceived the world as a child. Ha! I thought people who had sex loved each other, I thought alcohol was only used by adults, I thought no one abused drugs except for low lives in crack houses. If only any of those thoughts held any truth, maybe that night could've ended differently. But, unfortunately they do not.
But now? I dread most days, I only wanted to be happy and to remain ignorant to all the malicious people in the world, but I wasn't allowed. My mother always told me "boys love you for what's on the inside." But she didn't specify that those boys could only be found in a movie or popular fiction. Everyone judges you on your appearance, and your appearance alone. What brands you wear, what your bra size is, how slim your waist is, and of course, your facial features.
I don't own name brand everything simply because I do not care. I don't wear a size double zero. I don't have double D boobs. I just was just Raca, just a "Plain Jane" and i was okay with that.
How could I have stopped this? How could I have known? I tell myself, it's not my fault... It's not my fault, but others don't agree. Everyone just says, "Oh, she's a slut, she just wants attention," but what they don't know is, I'm not. Why doesn't anyone want to listen... If they would just listen.
Boys don't ever talk to me unless there's a case of Natural Light or a couple of grams of marijuana nearby. I knew I shouldn't have gone, but I thought I should go to at least one party this summer. The football team had announced their "party of the century". It would be located at Wayne's house. Wayne is a senior like me. This year he's the varsity running back, and committed to Syracuse. He is of course your typical jock- popular, charming, playful, captivating, the whole package- I was in awe of the way Wayne carried himself, he always tried his best to be friends with everyone.
As far as I knew everyone in between the ages of sixteen and nineteen within a fifty mile radius would be there. So I thought why not right? So I went. Just like I thought everyone I could ever imagine was there. It was impossible to put your arms out and not touch someone anywhere on the property. His house was basically in the middle of no where but his house looked like it belonged in The Great Gatsby. Because of the fact his house was on the outside of town we were allowed to make as much noise as we wanted. The music was so loud to the point I couldn't even keep my train of thought. As soon as I walked through the front door to Wayne's house which is debatably a palace, I was handed a red solo cup, how cliche', it seemed to smell of a mixture of Vodka and Gatorade. The guy who handed me this elite drink was wearing khaki pants and a blue striped button up that complemented his olive colored skin. He had dark brown hair that had the perfect mess, he smiled at me. How the hell did his teeth look so good? He put his hand on the small of my back and guided me to a couch in what looked to be a family room. He was easily a foot taller than me with broad shoulders and muscles that seemed to ripple. As he led me through a sea of drunk children he turned to me,
"Hey, I'm Damien" he said to me grinning. God damn that smile made me weak in the knees, I sat down.
"I'm Raca." I replied, trying not to show how nervous I was.
"Raca?" He widened his eyes and sat down close, "That is so different, it's refreshing." He smiled innocently and then paused for a moment to run his fingers through his tousled hair. "How do you know Wayne?"
