I used to believe in fairytale love. The kind where a charming prince comes and saves you from a wicked witch or an evil dragon in some dreary looking castle. But I should have known that a love like that wasn't in the books for me. The neighborhood I live in, the woman who raises me, the school I go to...they are all signs that it will never be for me. I will never get whisked away by some rich doctor or lonely millionaire looking for companionship and real love. Nope, I'm stuck with a crack addicted mother in this delapidated place she likes to call home. Speaking of the devil, I hear her as she's walking through the door. And she's not alone. A big, burly man with skin as dark as tar is with her. I can tell he has money by the thick gold chain around his neck. He looks like he's in his forties but I know better. Life has been hard for him on those streets and he has the wrinkles to prove it. My mother is hanging all over him and I realize that he is to be her supplier for the night. However,she never has the money to support her habit and I realize, with fear, why he is here. By the hunger in his eyes and he stares at me, I already know what she has promised him.
"Milani,baby, this is Big Dee." She walks closer and reach for me but I have already stood up and stepped away from her. She smiles and I can't help but notice the amount of teeth that are missing. "Come on baby, you know mama needs her fix. Just one last time."
I already know how this will end and the tears pool in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I allow her to take my hand and pull me into the bathroom where she brushes my soft, curly hair into a high ponytail.
"Lord am I grateful for that white pimp all those years ago. You sure are a pretty one baby. The mixture did you some real good." I hate when she refers to my mixed race as if it is some gold mine for her. Then I realize, as the tears fall, that it is. My fair complexion and long hair has always been an attraction for many of the men in my neighborhood. They wouldn't dare touch me though, as they are very aware of my disgraceful situation. No one wants a 17-year old girl who lost her virginity to one of mother's crack head friends on a dirty couch just so her mother could get the extra rock he had on him. I try to push all this to the back of my mind and focus on staying still while my mother puts the finishing touches on the make up she's applying. She smiles at her work and squeezes my hand. The excitement in her eyes is enough to break me but I stay strong. I have to stay strong as some of the men she brings take joy in the fear and like to get rough. I remind myself that I'm doing this for her, so that she'll love and be proud of me. "Mommy loves you baby, make me proud and do what I taught you."
I inhale a nice,big breath as she opens the door and pushes me out. Big dee is sitting on the couch, already naked and stroking himself in anticipation. The gleam in his eyes scares me and I stop walking.
"Go on baby, you got this. Do it for mama." I look at my mother over my shoulder and she smiles once again. I face Big Dee once again and exhale the breath I've been holding. I make my way to him and kneel infront of him.I must remember that I'm doing this for her. As I slide between his legs, I replay her words in my head, "Mommy loves you baby."
Thank you for taking the time to read my story! Picture of Milani on the side---->
