Want Me

Silvia got up from the couch, finishing her drink in one gulp and going in search of another.

She didn't understand what she'd done wrong.

Edoardo hadn't acted terribly weird after they had sex, not that she knew what normal behaviour was after having sex with someone.

Why didn't he want her? What about her was unwantable?

She thought about the other girl he was with as she stumbled through the crowd towards the bar. Did Edoardo want that girl? Would he only give her a night of his time too? Or was she someone he'd want longer than that?

She wished she'd gone with Eva.

She didn't know why she was still here. No one really cared if she was there. Edoardo didn't care. Federico only invited her so Eva would come. And Eleonora, Federica and Sana were god knows where.

They were having fun without her. She wasn't even important to her so-called friends. She could disappear and they probably wouldn't notice. She was the one in the group they always told to be quiet, always judged, always laughed at.

Federica used to be her friend, but Silvia could tell she preferred the others to her. She'd found better people, Silvia didn't matter to her anymore.

Sana hated Silvia and she didn't understand why. She knew sometimes she said stupid things, she wasn't so egotistical to think she was perfect or had perfect opinions, but she didn't think she'd ever done anything so horrible that would warrant the hatred that Sana seemed to have for her.

And Eleonora. Eleonora rolled her eyes at least six times anytime Silvia was around. She treated her like a child, like everything she did was wrong. Silvia could tell she hated her.

She felt tears coming, battling to keep them at bay. She clenched her teeth, swallowing hard. She didn't want anyone to see her cry. With her luck her invisibility would disappear only when she was doing something people could laugh at her for.

Successfully getting another drink from the bar, she made her way back through the crowd to the couch. She wished someone would come find her. She wished she was important enough for that.

She looked back over at Edoardo and the girl, watching them. She knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't look away. It's like she needed to see it in front of her, to know it was real. So she could stop hoping and praying he'd walk up to her and ask her for a dance, that he'd suddenly want her.

Of course he preferred her. She was the better option. Not just tonight, but always. She was prettier, skinnier. She looked more experienced too. Of course he didn't want some little girl who didn't know what she was doing. Silvia was shocked Edoardo had even given her the little time he had.

She'd been so amazed he'd wanted her for even a minute that she'd been shocked into thinking it could be a regular thing; someone wanting her.

She slid her hand down her stomach mindlessly, unable to stop thinking of all the reasons why Edoardo didn't want her.

Her eyes moved from Edoardo, glancing over all the couples in the room. No one would ever want her like that. She was obviously the kind of girl boys only wanted for a night. How did you become the kind of girl they'd want more than that?

Did boys even ever really want a girl more than that, though? Wasn't Gio cheating on Eva? She knew Fede had a girlfriend but he was still chasing after Eva.

They were all after Eva, though. So surely she was wantable. What did she have that Silvia didn't?

She knew the answer though. Eva was cool. Silvia wasn't. Silvia tried to be cool, but she always failed. She always sent too many texts, or talked about things people didn't care about.

People probably thought that everything Eva said was interesting. They could probably say the same things, and Eva would be interesting and Silvia wouldn't be. Just because it was Eva, just because she was better.

Weren't you supposed to find someone who liked you for you? Or was that bullshit? Would no one ever like her talking about her cat, or want her to send them more than one message a day?

She looked back up at Edoardo. She had so much to say to him, and he didn't care. He wouldn't want to hear any of it.

No one was ever going to want her. No one was going to like her without her changing herself.

She slumped back in her seat, bringing her glass up to her lips and taking a gulp.

What was the point?

Why did she even bother?

Maybe boys would only ever want her for a night. Maybe that was her reality and she just had to get used to it.

She looked away from Edoardo and down at her drink, tracing the rim of the glass with her finger. She sat there like that for a while, lost in her own misery.

"Silvia?"

Silvia looked up at to see Eleonora standing in front of her, her hand outstretched.

"Let's go find Fede and Sana."

Silvia shook her head. "I don't want to."

Eleonora's hand fell to her side. "Perché?"

"She told me" Silvia said, looking away from Eleonora and over at Edoardo and the other girl.

"Who told you what?"

Silvia finished her drink, placing it down on the table. "Sana. She told me he didn't want me."

"Silvia..."

"Don't tell me otherwise, Ele."

Sana had been right. She was entirely unwantable.

She heard Eleonora sigh before stepping closer and pulling her up off the couch. "Come on, we're leaving. We can leave, just the two of us. Are you hungry? We can go eat."

Silvia shook her head. "I'm not hungry." She didn't feel like she ever wanted to eat again. Would he want her then?

"Okay, well I want some water so let's go get some. Then we can go for a walk and go home. Okay?"

"Okay" Silvia answered, not really paying attention.

She felt Eleonora's arm around her shoulders, guiding her away. She kept her eyes down, unable to look at Edoardo anymore.

He'd never want her. No one would.