Dear diary

4/4/10

All you do is run back to the one who breaks your heart. You're making this too hard~

Dear diary,

I've started this too late. I can't possibly catch you up on it all. Let's just say, we've been friends for about a year and a half. Best friends. I considered her my soul sister.

I don't understand what I did wrong. I'm always the one to apologise. I'm always the one that has to go back to her. She never apologised to me. She never came back; she didn't care enough.

My other friends were considered 'back up friends'. They weren't though. I love them, a lot.

I still don't understand. All I ever did was love her. As a friend of course, but still. Her and m.l were never that nice to me. Unless they wanted something.

One day, they covered me in water, laughed at me because I was crying, and didn't stop. Only n.n cared. She dried up my tears and repeatedly told them to stop.
It didn't.

I stopped talking to them because my mum suggested not to. Bad idea. They did not stop. m.l and f.h continued, and he others just watched me suffer.

Simple things like walking past me and saying "you know when you ignore your best friends for no reason" and stuff like that. I never did anything. I simply wanted friends, and they appeared.

I probably should've spoken to somebody other than a teacher, like their families or something. They'd probably stop after that.

I then made up with them, on Monday. Then, on Wednesday, we fell out again. They were pestering me to tell them why I'd been ignoring them, and I simply couldn't.
I'd come across as rude if I just said how horrible they were to me. They'd call me a liar.

So I told them the semi-truth. I said that I felt like they didn't like me anymore; which was true, because I didn't. They didn't believe me.

They then said that I should let them know when my 'break' was over. I just needed space. From them. Not everyone. I asked my other acquaintances, and they all said it was bullying.

My heart had just about stopped when they said that because I had told my mum weeks earlier that I was scared, that if I stopped talking to them, they'd bully me.

M.h and n.n weren't part of this. They were in the group but never said anything. They didn't bully me, but they never stood up for me. I had to suffer in silence. Alone. Because nobody understood, understands.

It makes me feel almost suicidal, because there's nothing I can do, and death seems like an easy way out. But I'm not a coward. I won't do it.

I still miss them, but I can't be their friend after everything they've done. They don't deserve me, and I don't deserve them. But they do deserve each other.

I don't blame m.h and n.n, because I know they just don't wanna get in the middle and lose their friends. But m.h is mad at me too now. She said that if I missed them, I'd say sorry and sit with them.

I wanted to, but I wasn't sorry. I haven't done anything. Yet I always have to apologise, when I haven't done anything.

I made it through the day. I don't know how. I didn't cry, because I feel numb. I feel like I've been stung over and over again, so much that it doesn't hurt anymore. The sting is venomous, but I don't even notice.

They talked about going to the BWD, which is our code for a swimming thing. They said "just the four of us". They try to anger me, so I'll talk to them. It won't work though.

Why is this happening? Why me? Why can't I just have a normal life, with no drama, friends who don't stab you in the back until you die of blood loss. No fights, no sadness, nothing.

That's right, this is the real world. There's no such thing as soul mates, true love. Everybody argues. Everyone does something bad and we all get over it. The real question is, are they over it?

We walk past hundreds and hundreds of people every day. We smile politely before walking on. We don't notice how sad they are. We don't notice how much they need help. We don't notice the broken heart inside. We don't notice it until it's pointed out. They never point it out though, because they don't want the attention.

I don't think that they know who I truly am. They have seen me cry. They've seen me happy a lot more though. They think I'm "so emotional that it's funny". Thanks for that btw.

I let them see the happy me, the one that makes people laugh, the smart one, the one that people like. I let my guard down but only slightly. Not enough for them to notice my walls have already fallen down.

From such a young age my life went wrong. From arguing parents, to divorced ones. Pets have come and gone, my mum went through a phase of having a couple of boyfriends. Then she met j.m her boyfriend who she dated from then and still is now. Dad met j.b and she got pregnant. She had a miss carriage and mum got pregnant. Ernie, dead. Nicholas, dead. People come and go. They leave you. You don't want to let them go, but sometimes it's the only way. Sometimes you have to let go of the past to create a future. And sometimes, letting go of the past, causes troubles in the present. Just think of how happy you'll be that you didn't waste 5 years of your life before realising.