Going Pear Shaped. A tale of wizards, lizards and galvanised tubing salesmen.

Going Pear Shaped - Introduction

Going Pear Shaped: A tale of wizards, lizards and galvanised tubing salesmen.

Synopsis:

An unstoppable army of monstrous, tribal lizard warriors, seething with vengeance and armed to the fangs with swords and axes, is poised to sweep across the lands of Pyrus, a place where both magic and psychic abilities have evolved as natural phenomena.  The Brothers of the Paranormal, a sect of benevolent psionic monks, discover that the lizard's aim to have their revenge on the old city of Port Packham and resolve to try and use their abilities to prevent the onslaught.

When Norris Bartlett, a struggling metal tubings salesman, is accidentally transported through an unreality hole from his own world into this alternative existence, he becomes the last hope for the Port's inhabitants - and he only went in the kitchen to put the kettle on!  He finds that he has to travel across the bizarre, pear-shaped world of Pyrus to seek out a powerful, mystical artefact that might just save them all - the legendary Lost Pearl of Wisdom.  But the Pearl has been hidden by ancient priests and is guarded by an unspeakable horror - which is a pity since it remains Norris's only hope of ever returning to his own existence.

He’s accompanied on his quest by the beautiful Sister Rosehip, a novice from the Sisters of the Unexplained and Cadmus Catchwinkle, an arrogant, irascible magician whose spellcasting ability is on par with a stuffed otter. Their guide is the teenager, Garstang, a desperately inexperienced treasure hunter (“Tombs Raided While U Wait”) who couldn’t find a brick in a bucket. Armed with ancient maps, magical scrolls and Cadmus’s copy of “Amateur Spellcaster”, the group set out to find the Pearl and return with it before the invasion begins.

Bur before long, General Klawfist has amassed his murderous army of giant warrior lizards at the very drawbridges of Port Packham and is already planning the final bloody assault. Only the doddering old Captain Wetherspoon and his small garrison of undisciplined soldiers and conscripts, stand in their way. Unfortunately, the Garrison’s idea of a good fight was to see who could get to raise the white flag first.

In a spectacular and nail-biting climax, Norris finds out he's just a pawn in a multiverse-wide plan so audacious that it puts every world in every existence on the threshold of destruction – including his own.

Norris discovers that he's even worse at preventing universal cataclysms than he ever was at selling Galvanised Tubing. So when things start to go pear shaped, Norris needs all the help he can get.